Fertility Faith


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Lose yourself to be Loosed!!

So it’s been a long time, and to be honest I do not know where to begin. Well Guys I have been waiting to share this with you. The reason why is I was going through my own emotions about it, and God just settled in my spirit what, and why. Well my hubby and I decided to go through IVF again this past month, and we went through a new fertility clinic, new doctor, and new place. I was very excited, hopeful, and just overwhelmed with confirmation. I believed God for this in a whole new way.

I did everything I was supposed to I started acupuncture a month early twice a week every week, got my vitamin D level up, ate the pineapple core from the day of the transfer for five days, bed rest, and no fun time with the husband until the doctors approval, anointed my womb with oil, and everything. I was so ready for this baby, and possibly two babies. I was excited about what God was going to do, and of course I had select people praying for us.  Looking back I know now that I should have been quieter. Listen to God the first time people.

I do not care what anyone says a woman knows she just knows in the pit of her stomach when something isn’t right. The night before I was scheduled to take my pregnancy test just a wave of nerves, and fear came over me. I felt extremely heavy and emotionally sad. Just like the first time during our IVF I asked them to call my husband with bad news, and me with good news. Didn’t really help because my husband was with me all day, and so when his phone rang I would jump.

February 17th my husband received the call that my test was negative, and yet again it did not work. I thought it would hurt less my husband telling me, but it didn’t it still hurt. It was still devastating. My immediate emotion was sad, and angry. I had received so many prayers, prophecies, and confirmation signs. I could not believe that it did not work. I was devastated, but not broken. Yes you read correctly; I was not broken. I wanted to crawl under a rock, and cry yes.

Then I realized that is exactly what the enemy wanted me to do. My faith was shaken, and my trust in God in general was shaken, but instead of losing it I prayed for God to get me through it. I prayed for God to strengthen my faith in Him. I prayed for God to get me through the anger, and I told God I was angry, and I felt like He didn’t care about me, and I was hurt again. I asked. Why? I did even though you aren’t supposed to ask God why I did.

In the moment of my tears and despair I decided okay so what now. If you stay here and you cry your eyes out are they going to call and tell you that you are pregnant? No! If you stay here and be depressed is it going to change anything? No! I had to understand that though my emotion was valid it was not able to change my situation. Sometimes we allow ourselves to think that our emotions can change the situation and it can’t the only thing that can change my situation is God.

At the end of the day I could have eaten a thousand pineapple cores, and went three thousand months early to acupuncture, but if God did not want it to work it just wasn’t going to work. All things work in God’s timing. Then I realized this is my ministry. Help while hurting; heal while broken, reach out while fighting because someone believes they can’t help until they are healed.

I understood that if the IVF worked I would not be effective in my ministry. I would not be able to push my sisters, and encourage you all that there is ministry in your breaking. I know it’s hard to stay encouraged when you are fighting, but I want you to understand that just because you are fighting does not mean can’t speak. The fight is not over until God says it is over, and you are capable of winning. The thing about a fight is there are many rounds, and there is no telling what round you are in today.

I understand that my fight continues because I need to be able to show you all that you can help people while fighting, and you can minister while hoping for God to turn things around for you. You don’t have to wait to have it all together for God to use you. The thing we fail to realize is that Jesus died on the cross. He was whipped, bleeding, crushed, and hurting in front of us, and His life in that moment was a ministry. God used His crushing to save people. If Jesus’s life is a ministry then we can’t just take the pretty parts we have to take all of the parts, and though He was beaten and crushed He became a king after His beating after his crushing.

You have to go through a crushing period in order to get to your royal period. I am sad some days, but I am a fighter everyday, and at the end of the day I know God gave me a yes for my son. He did not tell me a time, but He gave me a yes, and I will fight with that yes. I decided to fall in love with my life before God could bless me with another one. Some of us are praying for our blessing when we haven’t fallen in love with the blessing God gives us everyday the blessing of life.  The blessing to keep fighting. Every day I wake up is another day I get to fight for Nehemiah.

I decided to work on falling in love with me and the Jesus in me. I decided to start enjoying me before asking God to give me something else to enjoy. If I can delight myself in Him then He will grant me the desires of my heart. Don’t believe me? The Bible says, “If you delight yourself in Him He will grant you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4) Most people only pay attention to the He will grant you the desires of your heart part, but they skip the first step.

So I asked God to help me get a revelation out of that, and I want to share it with you. If you delight yourself in Him first then He will grant you the desires of your heart. Now watch this you are probably saying how do we do that Cora? This is how if Jesus is living on the inside of you then begin to nurture yourself with the Word. Begin to love on yourself. Begin to know Jesus for yourself first before asking for your desires. Because the blessing comes when you can delight yourself in Him.

When I know Jesus I know me. When I seek Jesus I will find myself. This is my hope for you that Jesus is living so deep on the inside of you that in order for your blessing to come you must learn to love the Jesus that is in you. You have to tap into the Jesus in you in order to unlock the blessings that He holds in His hands. You must delight yourself in Jesus.

Now Google defines delight as “please (someone) greatly” now break that down if you “please greatly yourself in Jesus then He will grant you the desires of your heart.”  Begin to become pleased with yourself in Jesus begin to develop a great pleasure in your relationship with God, and then He will grant you the desires of your heart. I was sad, and I thought that Jesus had forgotten about me, and I wanted to know why, and I got it now.

I must be pleased with myself in Jesus in order for Him to bless me. Are you pleased with yourself in Jesus? Are you asking for a blessing and you haven’t developed a relationship with Jesus? Job got blessed because of his relationship with God, and he delighted himself in Christ, and he got more then what he asked for.  So instead of me wallowing in what I didn’t get I will start to get close to the blessing God gave me.

I have to get closer to the Jesus living in me, and I will keep fighting for my promise, but not without delighting myself in Jesus first. Let me end by saying this I challenge you to lose (loose) yourself in Jesus. That’s when you can truly surrender to God’s will for your life. People say that all the time I surrender all, but in their heart they are hoping God’s will is what they desire. When you can truly say God I trust that whatever you have planned for me is better then what I have thought of.

When you can surrender your life and your will to God then you are protected, and your desire truly can come. When Jesus was on the cross and He looked up and He said “it is finished” that is when He was released from the pains of His open wounds, from His thirst, and that is when He became King of Kings. When He surrendered God freed Him from His pain. When you are going through pain, sadness, and hurt it is in your surrendering that God frees you. Lose yourself in Jesus and when you lose yourself in Jesus and surrender in Jesus then you can be loosed.

My story is not over it has only just begun, but I am challenged to fall in love with me, and in that if I fall in love with the Jesus in me then I know that God will grant me the desires of my heart.  Not only will He grant me my desires He will protect me from the hurts and pains of this world. For the Bible says “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty” (Psalms 91:1). I have decided to rest. I have decided to surrender, and instead of hoping God’s will matches with my desire I have asked that my desire match up with God’s will. Love you guys!!


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Are You Ready, Dear?

Are You Ready, Dear?

 

            You listen to all the exciting news around you, waiting for your turn to come. You are excited for everyone, leaping for joy, but there is still a pain inside you as you await the arrival of the promise God spoke over your life. It’s easy to get depressed if He said that it would be here and it’s not. However, instead of being depressed, I’d like to ask you a question: Are you ready? Three years ago, I was an eager 23-year-old awaiting the chance of a lifetime. I had it all planned—my goal, my promise. My passion was to become a birth mom.

 

But how could I be ready when I was eating junk, not working out and drinking soda? Two weeks before IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) came up, I started relaxing and trying to lose weight as quickly as possible. I was so eager and excited that I went ahead of God and worked on my own timing. Things didn’t work out as I had planned. The Lord sat me down for a bit. It was in my time-out that I had to look at listen to God when He said, “Cora, your story is unique. Yours won’t be like everyone else’s.”  Nevertheless, I was still devastated and I didn’t really adhere to His message.

 

 That’s when my sister stepped in. “Cora, we weren’t ready. Now we can work on getting you healthy and prepare to try again. Don’t be upset. We will be ready next time.”  I was angry, but I understood what she was saying. I needed to prepare. I had to realize I wasn’t ready. I thought everyone else gets pregnant easily and that IVF would be a breeze. Again, God’s words came—“Your testimony isn’t like the others.” Suddenly, it hit me. I’m not like everyone else.

 

It makes sense, and it’s quite simple. God has called you to something greater than your surroundings and circumstances. Because of that, your fight will be different. Each of us must do things differently to achieve “normal”. So you sit in your time-out, and realize that your promise—though it means everything in the world to you—is normal. But the route you walk is different.

 

Your end-game is the same as that of many other women, be they infertile or fertile or really anyone who has ever had a dream. And, as I sit here typing, I realize that it’s not the blessing the enemy is afraid of. He is afraid of the courage that it takes you to walk toward it. You are an overcomer simply because you are walking and stepping over the roadblocks he is placing before your feet. What if I told you the blessing isn’t what God is testing you for, but rather your walk as you proceed toward it?

 

 When you are about to run a marathon, you don’t begin training the day of. You prepare your body months ahead of time—sometimes years. Your competitors are not worried about the day of the race or how you arrive at the finish line. They are worried about how hard you trained to get to the finish line, because that determines your tenacity and whether or not you will even finish!

 

Your blessing may not be here because you have stopped training instead of continuing to walk. You need to keep training until game day. Your practice is what the enemy is trying to stop—not the main event. This is the secret I finally understand. The power of God in you is stronger then the devil trying to stop your training time. Stop worrying about what you don’t have in your hands, and prepare for what God has already claimed for you.

 

It’s really simple. The Bible says the devil is already defeated. He can’t fight what is already yours. He fights your ability to get there. It makes so much sense that the enemy will come in like a flood. Whenever he comes, he is attempting to stifle your ability to receive what God already has for you. He isn’t fighting you for your blessing. He is fighting you for your walk. Keep going!

 

Our blessing—our end-game is a finish line in the race we all are running. We all have on the same outfit or uniform, but what makes you so amazing is how you trained. What makes you a winner is that you prepared. So here is your first fertility faith challenge of 2014: I challenge you to not stop simply because you don’t have the blessing in your hand. Rather, keep pushing. Keep training. That is why the enemy is angry. He doesn’t want you to continue. It’s not about your blessing. It’s about you traveling the different path toward your blessing. So, dear, the only question now is, “Are you ready?”   


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I’m a Best Seller

 

               I am afraid of where I stand. I don’t know what to do. What is going to happen next? I have no control of this. That is something I am sure we all say as we stand in the middle of our struggle our storm as we stand in the middle waiting for an answer from a question that you have asked the Lord. We wonder what is God doing, and it places us in a paralyzing fear, and an uncontrollable feeling. I am writing this for the person who is standing in fear, the person who doesn’t know what’s going to happen next. This is for the person who feels out of control of where they are standing. I know this feeling oh to well because when I got diagnosed with infertility it was a very uncontrollable feeling, and I didn’t know what to do or what was going to happen next. I was shaken and broken. I was lost and confused. Truth be told I was devastated, and faithless. Yes I said it faithless in the midst of my storm.

               It’s hard to stand with God when you don’t know what He is doing. We often feel like we have to have control over our lives instead of giving God the ultimate control. When you feel like you are doing the right thing, praying, fasting, and reading your word, and some how the storm still comes. When you feel like you are in the perfect spot for a blessing and you have done everything that God has told you to do, and you are still being shaken. I could give you a bunch of cliché scriptures. “Trust in the Lord with all thy might and lean not to thy own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path. Proverbs 3: 5-6” “No weapon formed against you shall prosper. Isaiah 54:7” I won’t do that instead I will tell you that your pain is for a purpose, and that you are not suppose to have control, but instead you are to yield to God’s plan for your life no matter how scared you are.

               Sometimes God places us in uncontrollable positions in order for Him to gain control. You are in this because it is apart of the story that He has written for your life. You could end up being God’s best seller or you could end up being left on the shelf. I am writing to tell you that you are just the character to a story that God is about to make a best seller. Your testimony is about to move mountains for other people, and for you. You are to stand in the last moments of this month as a best seller. You are to stand in the last moments of this month knowing that God is writing your win, and that you will overcome. You are to stand in the last moments of this month as a conqueror, and you will not allow fear or the fear of rejection to detour you from being great. So from this day and all of next year get ready to be a winner. Get ready to be a best seller. Because God is writing your story and trust me THIS IS A BIG DEAL!!    


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This is a Big Deal!!

               She wiped away her tears as she looked at the calendar, and days began to dwindle down. She knew God said that she would walk into the New Year carrying her son, but she just wasn’t sure it’s November 13, 2013 and she is panicking she is about to ovulate, but what if it just doesn’t happen. She can’t stop worrying, and she begins to talk to God, and creates back up plans. “If I don’t get pregnant before the end of the year then I will just try in March” she says. “If it doesn’t happen then it wasn’t God I heard, and it was just me.” She says. Her baby fever rising inside of her she is so prepared and ready for her baby that it’s hard to even hear about pregnancy, and it not be her. She has the nursery the cribs, and even outfits, but still she waits in silence hoping that God will grant her the promise He spoke over her. Suddenly she is jolted by a still voice in the pit of her soul. “I AM THE LORD GOD, AND I SAID IN THIS SEASON I WOULD GRANT YOU THE PROMISES I HAVE SPOKEN OVER YOU.” She suddenly is at peace as she hears the Lord, and she knows that He hasn’t forgotten her, and His word can’t come back void.

               She must have faith that her relationship with God is so strong that it was truly His voice she heard. She must believe that God can bypass all the medical conditions, and perform a true miracle. She must believe God in away that is scary for her because it has been so long, and nothing has happened. She must believe God that His promise is true, and that it will happen in this season. She can not waver although it is hard, and she is breaking at the sound of every bad news she receives. She can not waver although she doesn’t want to have to go through fertility treatments to gain what God says is hers. She can not waver in deaths of the family, and in the face of the calendar she must believe God. 

               I wrote this to tell you that God has not forgotten about you He is still in the business of miracles, and if He said this season then it will be this season, and if He says next year it will be next year. Wait on the Lord, and be in good cheer because He is ordering your steps for such a time as this. Do not waver in God’s word, but believe God. Do not lose faith when the bad news comes, but believe God. The bigger the bad news the greater the miracle when God shows out. I used to go to the doctor and I would have amazing faith, and they would place the scan on me, and they would say “oh there is the cyst”, and immediately I would get discouraged. I would get sad, and angry. I would want to know God why won’t you show them that you healed my body? Why won’t you show that you are my true redeemer? It was in that moment that I realized the more bad news I received the greater my testimony when God showed His glory. You see we want big miracles and small storms when God wants your storm to match your big miracle. You are not losing because He said you couldn’t win you are losing because God needs your victory to be greater then the doctor’s report.

               Sometimes God has to position you in His perfect will in order to promote you to your desire. Sometimes God has to wait for the enemies around you to move in order to move in you. God claimed your promise for you before the foundations of this world. He is holding it in His hands, and when you are in your perfect spot He will place it in your hands. Stop panicking, stressing, and planning for it not to come release yourself to the will of God, and allow Him to move in you. He is still moving things in order to bless you. Prepare for the storms they will come, but know that just because the storm comes doesn’t mean that the promise is delayed. It just means God is making your breakthrough bigger. I am writing to tell you that your time is not running out God is simply positioning you, and what He said will happen will indeed happen. You are a testimony, and your storm must match where you are going. The bigger your storm the bigger your ministries don’t ask God for something big, and think you will have little storms.  He is positioning you to His perfect will and it won’t be easy, but you are about to win. I wiped my tears away, and stood tall in the doctor’s office, and when they presented me with bad news I would not get discouraged. I would say man this is a big deal!!   


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Decree, Declare, It’s Done!!

I know what you are thinking. Where has Cora been? I have been extremely busy, but I have not forgotten about you guys. I never want to write things that are not inspired. You all mean more to me then that. I want to speak today on the subject decree, declare, it’s done. Often times we end up in situations in life where we feel our dreams, purpose, and legacy will not be fulfilled. We are told as young children if you want to make God laugh tell him what you have planned. You grow up with a plan, and you never think about what happens if that plan doesn’t work out. “I’m going to be married by 25 first child at 30.” Is what you may say to yourself. While standing in your 30th birthday without a husband, or a child it’s easy to get down, and to start thinking God does not grant you the desires of your heart as He said in His word. I want to help you to understand that delays are not denials. Even more so I want you to get in the habit of knowing that God does not change his mind. What God said is for you is for you. Your job is to stand on the promise. When I got married; I thought that was all I needed to do in order for God to grant me my son. Turned out it took more than that.  I had to start preparing for him, and doing crazy faith things. One of the crazy faith things my husband and I did was get a bassinet made for his arrival. My question for you is how much are you willing to do to get God’s promise? Sometimes we must pray for God to grant us the discipline to do what we have to do in order to get the promise He declared for us. Faith without WORKS IS DEAD, which basically means you can ask for God to fulfill the promise, but if you aren’t willing to do the work it just won’t happen. It’s important in life that you be willing to invest in your promise from God in order for it to be revealed. It’s important that you be willing to love yourself enough to do the work to make your promise come to pass. This is more then fertility, babies, healing. This is finances, life, work, family, and etc. Are you willing to invest in yourself to do that work in order to get the promises you need and want in life? I have said it before if you are going to pray don’t worry, and if you are going to worry why pray. Why do I say this? I say it because often times we pray for the same thing over and, and over, and over, and over again as if God did not hear us the first time. This is a method of worry that stems from your inability to be patient, and wait for God’s answer. If God does not answer you in your time that does not mean He forgot or didn’t hear your prayer. You must be patient enough to wait on God’s yes during the time that it feels like He is going to say no. You are simply in a waiting zone. When we are little children we hear the ice cream truck coming. Most children went running to their mom to ask her for the money to go to the truck, during the time between your question and your moms yes or no is called the waiting zone. God has placed you in a waiting zone are you willing to stand and wait or will you complain, and walk away. I challenge you to wait for your yes, and during the time that you are waiting get prepared for the yes. Hold your hand out, and while you wait decree God’s promise, declare God’s promise, and know without a doubt that it is done. I stand in agreement with you that it is done, and all the bondage, shackles, and doubt you have I cast it out in the name of Jesus. You will conceive in the miraculous name of Jesus. You will have what God said in the name of Jesus. IT IS DONE!!

Thank you for reading until we meet again. It is not pregnancy that makes you a mother it is the nurturing love, protection, and prayers that you place in the children in your life that makes you a mother. We are all mothers it takes a village you are a momma in the village.I know what you are thinking. Where has Cora been? I have been extremely busy, but I have not forgotten about you guys. I never want to write things that are not inspired. You all mean more to me then that. I want to speak today on the subject decree, declare, it’s done. Often times we end up in situations in life where we feel our dreams, purpose, and legacy will not be fulfilled. We are told as young children if you want to make God laugh tell him what you have planned. You grow up with a plan, and you never think about what happens if that plan doesn’t work out. “I’m going to be married by 25 first child at 30.” Is what you may say to yourself. While standing in your 30th birthday without a husband, or a child it’s easy to get down, and to start thinking God does not grant you the desires of your heart as He said in His word. I want to help you to understand that delays are not denials. Even more so I want you to get in the habit of knowing that God does not change his mind. What God said is for you is for you. Your job is to stand on the promise. When I got married; I thought that was all I needed to do in order for God to grant me my son. Turned out it took more then that.  I had to start preparing for him, and doing crazy faith things. One of the crazy faith things my husband and I did was get a bassinet made for his arrival. My question for you is how much are you willing to do to get God’s promise? Sometimes we must pray for God to grant us the discipline to do what we have to do in order to get the promise He declared for us. Faith without WORKS IS DEAD, which basically means you can ask for God to fulfill the promise, but if you aren’t willing to do the work it just won’t happen. It’s important in life that you be willing to invest in your promise from God in order for it to be revealed. It’s important that you be willing to love yourself enough to do the work to make your promise come to pass. This is more then fertility, babies, healing. This is finances, life, work, family, and etc. Are you willing to invest in yourself to do that work in order to get the promises you need and want in life? I have said it before if you are going to pray don’t worry, and if you are going to worry why pray. Why do I say this? I say it because often times we pray for the same thing over and, and over, and over, and over again as if God did not hear us the first time. This is a method of worry that stems from your inability to be patient, and wait for God’s answer. If God does not answer you in your time that does not mean He forgot or didn’t hear your prayer. You must be patient enough to wait on God’s yes during the time that it feels like He is going to say no. You are simply in a waiting zone. When we are little children we hear the ice cream truck coming. Most children went running to their mom to ask her for the money to go to the truck, during the time between your question and your moms yes or no is called the waiting zone. God has placed you in a waiting zone are you willing to stand and wait or will you complain, and walk away. I challenge you to wait for your yes, and during the time that you are waiting get prepared for the yes. Hold your hand out, and while you wait decree God’s promise, declare God’s promise, and know without a doubt that it is done. I stand in agreement with you that it is done, and all the bondage, shackles, and doubt you have I cast it out in the name of Jesus. You will conceive in the miraculous name of Jesus. You will have what God said in the name of Jesus. IT IS DONE!!

Thank you for reading until we meet again. It is not pregnancy that makes you a mother it is the nurturing love, protection, and prayers that you place in the children in your life that makes you a mother. We are all mothers it takes a village you are a momma in the village. 


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Don’t Get Attached to the Counterfeit NO!!

Don’t get too attached is one of the first things they tell you in foster care. You never know what could happen, and if you are to attached you could send yourself into a nervous breakdown. We got Amauri, and walked on eggshells for almost two weeks hoping to get the call that we would be keeping her, and we finally got the call that we would we were relieved. We got to keep our baby girl. She has been amazing challenges will come as I have told you, but from day one she was my daughter. We never called her our foster daughter we never isolated her she is my daughter. We did our family photo’s and she was ours.

We had Amauri for 6 ½ months and we were blessed with a little boy he was only 3days old, and when they brought him to me instantly I was attached. Don’t get too attached is one of the first things they tell you in foster care. He was being fed by me, clothed by me, and I was caring for him, and instantly he was connected to me. I was attached to him, and I don’t know how I was not supposed to be attached, but that is what they tell you. We are still walking on eggshells waiting to be able to keep him forever. So you can imagine my devastation when his caseworker came and told me that he may have to be going because his biological mother has chosen someone to care for him.

After rolling my eyes in lividness because of my upset with the system that we are operating in. I had woken up for this baby in the middle of the night, loved him, fed him, bathed him, and had been there for all of his first and he’s my son, and I am attached against the rules against the suggestion. HE IS MY SON. The thing with infertility and adoption is you live your life in fear that the thing that you have grown to be yours can be taken in any moment. So when you are told that this little baby that you are raising could go it makes you wonder WHY LORD WHY. You begin to think “if I could just get pregnant that would be my baby and no one could take my baby.”

Immediately when you get that call you detach and you go into infertility woes. I want to tell you don’t do that. This is your child and if you don’t fight for him who will. If you have every yes from God don’t let the enemy bring you a counterfeit NO. I want you to believe God that what He has for you birthed or not birthed can not be taken from you. What He promised you He will perform it. The devil will always be busy in regards to you because he knew from the beginning that this child was given to greatness and that’s because you are great.

There will be challenges there will be hurts, because you have to know that every child God gives you is not yours some are for a season, and not for a lifetime. You have to have a relationship with God that is strong enough to tell you what is seasonal and what is lifetime. I do not know what is going to happen with our son, but I believe he is lifetime, and not seasonal. I believe that HE IS MY SON and whatever counterfeit NO that the enemy brings to me I will not breathe anything into it. I have faith that God brought it to me, and I will fight to keep it. Whatever happens believe God whatever happens believe God.

When you are devastated believe God when you are on eggshells believe God. When you are holding that child believe God. Whatever you do don’t let the counterfeit NO shake God’s yes. You are bigger then that you are stronger then that and you have more power then that. I love the way you love you when you love others so attach on faith, and whatever happens believe God. Don’t get too attached it’s the first thing you learn in foster care. Have unconditional love it’s the first thing you give to your child as a parent.

I love you no matter what and will hold you in my heart no matter what. I am a parent I am not a foster parent. I am a parent and I love each child in my home unconditionally. The bible says what God has joined together let no man take asunder. I say this to you because that is not just in regards to marriage what God has joined in your heart, and in your family no man can take that from you. I believe God for the victory of this situation, and no matter what I will still glorify God. He is my SON AND I AM COMPLETELY ATTACHED.

YOUR FERTILITY SISTER CORA COLEMAN.


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Blind Parenting

My life has forever changed my husband and I picked up our daughter today, and I know it is going to be a challenge, but it is going to be great. We walk into the agency with big smiles on our faces ready to take on this beautiful girl. We did not want to let her go, and we ran out of there with her. When we left the agency she was smiling we opened the door, and darkness swept over us. Our eyes were covered, and in that moment we had to figure out how to raise this little girl without knowing anything about where or who she is. We had to raise this girl with no knowledge of anything that was helpful to the child that she would be towards us. Of course this is a hypothetical image but the feeling is very real. The days began and the questions began soon after.

“Why won’t she stop crying?”

“Why won’t she stop stomping after we tell her repeatedly not to?”

“Why won’t she not listen and follow simple directions?”

“Why doesn’t she know what the four-year olds that I am used to know?”

To any other biological mother this sounds like simple issues nothing that serious. Well to me it is brand new. I have never experienced this before, and I do not know what makes her cry. I do not know why she cries over the simplest things. I do not know why she won’t listen and follow directions, and to be honest I do not know her. She is a new child in our home, and we are learning her. This is a subject I would like to share with you guys that I call blind parenting. This subject is close to my heart, but also a sensitive subject I am sure to most of my readers as there are some who have won the battle of infertility, and there are some still fighting. I will try to be sensitive to all of the above. As you all know to me a mother is a mother. There is no difference in foster mothers, adopted mothers, and biological mothers. If God chose you to be a mom then by golly you are a mother. I for the time being am a foster parent. I do not see the foster part because I love Amauri as if I pushed her out myself. The mother in me is a mother to her, the problem does not lie with mothering it lies with the child that you are mothering. There is a huge difference between foster children and biological children as far as the upbringing and lifestyle they are accustomed to. It is more difficult to understand a foster child because they all come to you with different situations and circumstances. The fact about foster care is you never know what circumstance you are going to get. So you do not know how to react to that child until they are in your home for a long while. It is a stage of parenting that happens in foster care that you do not know until you are in it. When we first got Amauri she was a shinning star. She listened she followed directions. She almost never cried. As time went on she became more comfortable and she became more of a challenge. The thing about foster children is they almost never have control over their lives. They are always jumping from home to home. So I did not know months ago what I am typing now, but I want to allow some help to someone who is going through fostering, and feel like it’s a lost cause. When they are comfortable they begin to want to have control over everything because they like where they are they feel like if they take control then nothing can happen to them. They are used to being their own parent so when you step in trying to parent it makes them scared, shaken, and uncomfortable because they then have to relinquish control. They do not like change because it triggers where they came from and that brings about upset and temper tantrum. Foster children are used to things being taken from them so when they want something and it is not given to them they will get upset they will emotionally act out. They need the comfort of having control over something to feel safe. They test your buttons to see if you are going to stay true to them, and stay the course. Wow I am saying wow because as I am writing this I am beginning to understand my daughter more. When we got her she did not come with a manual she came with a book that said she acts this way, and this way, and does this. It did not say what was the first thing that made her cry, where did she get hurt the first time, was she a quiet baby or did she cry a lot, is she afraid of the dark. It did not say was she breastfed or bottle fed did she like being rocked or left alone. The things that a biological mom would know it did not have those things so I walk into this completely blind hoping that I will learn her and she will learn me. It is important that you as a foster parent or really as a parent stay the course it is not going to be easy and quite frankly the enemy is mad because you got what God had for you while he was trying to yank it away. Do not let the enemy take your blessing by using your blessing to take it from you. Something’s that I have done with my daughter to help with her behavior is I created a color coded behavior chart, and a treasure chest and she reacts well to it. Something else I gave her was a heart necklace I told her the necklace has special prayers from God in it that keeps her safe from anyone taking her from mommy and daddy if you know you are adopting and the case worker has said it’s going to happen. I recommend the locket necklace as well. It is hard for a foster child to attach to you when they are afraid every knock on the door is coming to take them away. I know that there will be mountains but I got to this mountain by faith and I am going to climb this mountain by faith until I can see the top. You may not know what they went through but you know where you want them to go instill in them the same love, guidance, and DISCIPLINE that you would a child you had birthed. These children need to be parented not thrown to the side like garbage but parented. It is blind parenting but someone has to do it.


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Faithing the Logic

Faithing the Logic

The facts of infertility are broad and small at the same time. The one thing that is certain is with God all things are possible. With God you can achieve the unthinkable, and with God you can conceive the impossible. The biggest part of this struggle is faith. I want to talk to you today about faith conquering logic in this blog that I will title faithing the Logic. Now understand me I know faithing is not a word, but if you stick with me I am sure this will help you. When I was 14 years old I knew something wasn’t right with my body. My doctor wouldn’t listen, and I went from doctor to doctor all of them telling me something else. “You’re fine the cyst will go way.” “It wasn’t a cyst at all it was scar tissue.” “Every girl starts off irregular you will be fine.”  So when I got diagnosed with infertility as devastating as it was my father looked at me and said a delay is not a denial. I didn’t want to hear that. It hurt too much in the state I was in. I immediately began to cry asking God why. I watched all the people around me get married and then get pregnant. I even watched unmarried women get pregnant around me. I would soon only turn around and have to fight the giant of infertility; when all I ever wanted was to be a mommy.  I was unsettled about this. I couldn’t get why it had to be me. Now when you think about logic you think about what man says, the facts, and statistics. Logic places you in the 1% of odds and God places you in the 99% with His help.  In my logical life I said to myself I went to the doctors, and I tried my hardest.

The doctor is telling me it isn’t possible for me to get pregnant alone so that must be true. I was so shortly after reminded about faith. Faith being the substance of things HOPED for and the evidence of things NOT seen it became clear to me that the doctor was not acting on faith she was telling me what she could see, and God works on the things unseen. The thing that you must realize is infertility is a battle that some women face with logic and some women face with faith. The woman of faith gets pregnant with God and has a testimony to help someone, or she adopts and has a testimony, or she is a God mother and has a testimony. The woman with logic stops at no and finds something else to desire. The woman with the issue of blood had faith. She could have kept bleeding stopped at the no, but she believed God. What I am trying to say to you is that if you face anything with God being your sight and not your logical mind leading you can conquer anything the enemy throws in your direction. To faith your logic is to tell your logic God is seeing me through this because I can’t see. I recently made a decision to faith my logic to trust God in all that I do, and that whatever happened was all in God hands. I prepared myself for this choice by writing to God the things that I wanted specifically. I prayed to God once for what I needed and I stood back and praised Him for it in advance. When you can trust God to see for you whatever storm that lay ahead will not matter because God is your sight in the storm.

I went to my amazing doctor her name is Doctor Gray last week, and the doctor told me that my ovary felt fine, and my tube during surgery wasn’t entirely blocked which means I can try to get pregnant on my own. I have trusted God to do His will since the negative pregnancy test. The doctor told me last year it was not probable for me to get pregnant on my own, and this year she told me to try “I may get pregnant with triplets.” I walked into the doctor’s office on faith and used God’s sight to fight my logic. Whatever you may be going through in life I challenge you to let faith walk you and God’s sight hold you. There is nothing that God can’t see you can’t trust Him on one part of your life and then use logic for the other. There is going to be spiritual warfare because that comes with the fight of getting your true heart’s desire according to God’s will for your life. You will have Job moments in your life, but the thing that made Job so great is that he let God see and he stood on faith even in the worst of times. Job held God’s hand. Sometimes we allow logic to play God in our head when faith is what God works on. Watch this how can you believe God have faith in a man you can’t see and use logic for the things in your heart that you can’t see. If God can be powerful enough for you to pray to can He be powerful enough to move things in your life; simply because you trusted Him.

If you continue to walk on logic and not use faith how can you expect God to move? Your time has come it is time to faith your logic allow God to see and your faith be the controller of your mind. This time last year I let logic scare me all year “you won’t get pregnant” “God doesn’t love you enough for you to be a mom” “Nehemiah is just a dream he isn’t a real thing.” “You went through a very expensive treatment and still didn’t get pregnant the doctors must be right,” BUT God He began to direct my life. “Start the fostering to adopt plan theirs someone waiting for you.” Now I am a mommy. “I wouldn’t place this desire in your heart to leave you now.”  Now I am healed “I am God and beside me there is no other.” Now I am helping you. “I am not a man that I shall lie.” Now I can try to conceive.  I began to faith my logic. I challenge you today to make a choice. Will you let logic detour you from the promises of God or will you let faith allow God to see for you. I challenge you to stand in the face of negativity and the enemies tools, and say you know what devil God is unseen trusting Him is faith all by itself. He knows my beginning and my end and He will perform it. I rebuke you devil for making me not believe God for what He said and today I am faithing my logic.  


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You’ve Been Cordially Invited!!

I know it has been awhile since I posted, but I was trying to find a way to be encouraging in the midst of having won the battle and become a mom. I know that there are still some of you that are still fighting and have not won yet, but God has not forgotten about you. He will come through for you. My father preached yesterday on MY FIRST MOTHER’S DAY about God coming through for you. He said that God is going to give you the baby without the labor. Don’t be discouraged be encouraged and know that you may not have labored, but you will get your baby….Happy Belated Mother’s Day to all who got to celebrate their win, and Happy Belated Soon to be Mother’s Day for all of my fertility sisters fighting, but know they are going to win…This is for you!!

Motherhood is something that many of us especially my fertility sisters dream of. We pray, fast, take shots, take pills, prenatal vitamins, special lubricants and drops. We fight for the ability to be a mother. We get so consumed by the fight that we stress ourselves out and we lose the thrill of conceiving. Making a baby becomes a second job. We become God’s to our own fight and dreams, and we forget about the God in the battle we are fighting. We get tired and weary and helpless, and we quickly forget that God can and is still working on our behalf. We listen to our friends cry about pregnancy and then wonder really God her and not me. We go through the pain and hurt secretly within ourselves and we hold up everyone else.  So after we fight hard and cry and suffer we get an amazing call from a doctor or adoption agency that we won and everything that we ever dreamed of comes to pass, but then the question hits like a ton of bricks what now? You have fought you have gotten what you dreamed of but where do you go from here? Do you settle for what you have or do you grant yourself the invitation to reach for what is next and what is in your grasp?

My sister was telling me that a woman spoke to her and told her that dreams are just a manifestation of God showing us what is in our reach. So you become a mother you adopt, foster, or become a God mother and then you wonder what to do next. Amauri is my pride and joy and I am so happy to have her, but does that mean I stop here? No it does not!  What you need to know is that you are able to have what God chooses and still go after the desire you have in your heart. The day will come where my daughter will wonder why mommy is brown and where are baby pictures of her and why is it that the rest of my family is brown and she isn’t. She will read my blogs, and she will wonder if she was simply the second best option. I battle with this conversation in my head more than you know. Suddenly God told me “she was My first option” she was My will for your life. She still came just in a different way. She is not a coincidence to happen in your life. She came exactly when I wanted her too.

I shared with a friend of mine that about a year ago I had a dream of Amauri as a baby. She was gorgeous. I remember telling my sister Daria about her. I told her she didn’t look like she could have come from me, but she was mine. I remember telling her how gorgeous she was and I just wanted to take her out of the dream. In this dream I was walking around in the hospital. It was weird for me because if I had just birthed her why was I walking around like normal wearing jeans and a purple t-shirt. I then saw her first birthday and first steps. Looking at her now she is that same little girl in my dreams. God showed me all of her first moments so that I could have those experiences since she was not with me during her actual first. it was a beautiful gift.  It became so clear to me when I realized all this time I had been praying to be a mommy.  I never said that I wanted to birth all my children. I prayed to be pregnant and just because I have Amauri does not mean that I’m settling. Getting Amauri has simply invited me to reach for everything else that God has for me.

I wrote a song a while back that was in my heart yesterday. The lyrics were.  I don’t want bad news. Please I don’t want that call.  I can’t take the heart break the mistakes. I just can’t take it at all. So please don’t be the bad news. Please don’t break me again again. Please don’t be the bad news. Cause if you are then this could be my end.

When writing this song I was writing about my situation and receiving the call that I was not pregnant. I related it to being my end, and I didn’t realize God closing that door invited me to another even more amazing door. I am not Amauri’s biological mother no matter how badly I wish it was true I am not.  Even though she is not my biological child I opened my other door, and God invited me to her and she is one of the best things in my life. I was able to give my daughter the love and safety and life that she had dreamed of. I was able to fulfill her dream while fulfilling my dream as well. I did not settle. I just read God’s whole invitation. I did not forget that God told me that I would birth my own seed, but I am inviting myself to the fact that God has SO MUCH FOR ME, and He has placed so much love in me. So while holding the gift that He gave me (Amauri) that was birthed through someone else. I can be invited to be pregnant and birth the purpose and the seed within myself. I realize God gave me Amauri so that I could raise her up and not have to be so down about the “rejected” promise that I got from the failed IVF. I quickly realized my being content in the one gift that I have has allowed God to prepare me for the future gifts I will receive.

Rather you adopted, still fighting, or have fostered. I want you to know that you have been invited to reach out for the promises God has given you. Your baby that you have now is not your settling choice. It is simply God’s first choice and your destiny. God has not given up on you; He has not taken back what He said; He simply is waiting for you to read your entire invitation. The chorus to my song is God give help to the helpless. God give peace to the weary souls. Oh God give babies to the barren hearts. Help them to know they are not alone. Help them to know they are not alone.

It is important for you to know that you are not alone a delay to the first round does not mean you lost the battle. Choosing to adopt does not mean that you settled, and did not trust God. Fostering does not mean that you simply took what you could get. Do not give up! God is cordially inviting you to see all the sides of your promise. All of the options and directions He can take you. You can still birth. You can adopt. You can foster. All you need to do is reach. God is inviting you to not give up on what He said but to trust Him to follow through. One of the things I have learned as a new mom is that it is very important with my daughter for me to follow through. She can trust me more when I follow through. God is still in the business of miracles. He will follow through because I believe He will. He will continue to do it for me, and He has invited you too believe so make sure to RSVP…..

Believe in Destiny and God Will Do the Rest!!

XOXO Your Fertility Sister CoCoa


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“Mama look at the BIG BALL”

“Mama look at the big ball.” She says. I try to keep my composure because this is all new to me, and I have never been called this before. “Mama look at the big ball.” Her first words wow that feeling will stick with me forever. I love her more than my heart can hold I am sure, but I don’t care because I would give her my heart, and I have only known her for approximately twenty minutes. Our classes are done, and they were long, and detailed. They were filled with paperwork, and lessons to learn. They were hard to get through, and some people gave up, but it got me to “Mama look at the big ball.” Ladies and gentlemen after all the trials and tribulations Brandon and I took on fostering to adopt, and we have been blessed with an amazing little girl. She is 4 years old. The amazing thing is she didn’t come from me, but I see myself in her, and I love her no differently than I would have love a child I birthed myself.

Her birthday is a day after my Grandma rest her souls birthday. We wanted to name our first birthed daughter Amauri it means a gift from God. Her birth names also means a gift from God. We were fighting through life and we are still going to fight for being able to birth children. Our hearts are with this precious baby that was given to us without a fight without tears of sadness without detachment she fit right in to our family as if she had waited for us her whole life. I got to celebrate her birthday with her. I got to take her to her doctor’s appointment. She automatically began to call me mama. Now I can tell you guys for real it isn’t about birthing a child that makes you a mother. It’s the big ball. It’s the bath time it’s the story time it’s our special night-time song. It’s the spontaneous hugs when your child says I love you mommy. That is what makes you a parent.

I am a mother because she chose me. I am a mother because God chose me. It’s hard to sit in life with hard diagnoses of cancer, pcos, infertility or anything else, but you have to believe that God is still choosing you. God is still wanting you to be a parent to a child born or unborn. Your time is coming there were many night I cried for my failed IVF treatment, and lost children. There were times I though God had forgotten about me, and I would not make it past this. I felt like how could I love something that didn’t come from me. How can I be a mommy if I can’t say “I brought you into this world, and I will take you out” like all the other mothers could? Will my family love this child as they would a child I birthed.

Would my husband love this child as he would a child I birthed? I had all these questions, and then one day I let go, and let God. I said God let my husband love this child as he would a child I birthed. Let my family see this child as a child I birthed. Let this child see us as their parents, and nothing more or less. When I let go and let God I was able to see the big ball. The ball my daughter was talking about is a revolving ball in Downtown Dallas, and it’s beautiful. It turns around and around and around when you are sitting inside of it. When you are sitting inside of it your view and perception changes as you are sitting down watching.

God wants this from you to see things in a different perspective. The ball never changes on the inside or out it is just always turning as is life. The perception you see inside the ball is always changing because that is the world. I challenge you to see the big ball, and understand being a mommy will never change for you. It’s the perception within your dream that will always change when you give God the wheel. Don’t give God the plan you have stop look and listen, and watch Him change your perception. She is my Amauri she is my daughter. I didn’t birth her, but I would die for her like a birth mother. I would give her a kidney like a birth mother. I will hug her like a birth mother, and I will love her like a birth mother. I am still a mommy my perception through God’s eyes has simply changed. Stay tuned this is not the end of my journey it is only the beginning.

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