So it’s been a long time, and to be honest I do not know where to begin. Well Guys I have been waiting to share this with you. The reason why is I was going through my own emotions about it, and God just settled in my spirit what, and why. Well my hubby and I decided to go through IVF again this past month, and we went through a new fertility clinic, new doctor, and new place. I was very excited, hopeful, and just overwhelmed with confirmation. I believed God for this in a whole new way.
I did everything I was supposed to I started acupuncture a month early twice a week every week, got my vitamin D level up, ate the pineapple core from the day of the transfer for five days, bed rest, and no fun time with the husband until the doctors approval, anointed my womb with oil, and everything. I was so ready for this baby, and possibly two babies. I was excited about what God was going to do, and of course I had select people praying for us. Looking back I know now that I should have been quieter. Listen to God the first time people.
I do not care what anyone says a woman knows she just knows in the pit of her stomach when something isn’t right. The night before I was scheduled to take my pregnancy test just a wave of nerves, and fear came over me. I felt extremely heavy and emotionally sad. Just like the first time during our IVF I asked them to call my husband with bad news, and me with good news. Didn’t really help because my husband was with me all day, and so when his phone rang I would jump.
February 17th my husband received the call that my test was negative, and yet again it did not work. I thought it would hurt less my husband telling me, but it didn’t it still hurt. It was still devastating. My immediate emotion was sad, and angry. I had received so many prayers, prophecies, and confirmation signs. I could not believe that it did not work. I was devastated, but not broken. Yes you read correctly; I was not broken. I wanted to crawl under a rock, and cry yes.
Then I realized that is exactly what the enemy wanted me to do. My faith was shaken, and my trust in God in general was shaken, but instead of losing it I prayed for God to get me through it. I prayed for God to strengthen my faith in Him. I prayed for God to get me through the anger, and I told God I was angry, and I felt like He didn’t care about me, and I was hurt again. I asked. Why? I did even though you aren’t supposed to ask God why I did.
In the moment of my tears and despair I decided okay so what now. If you stay here and you cry your eyes out are they going to call and tell you that you are pregnant? No! If you stay here and be depressed is it going to change anything? No! I had to understand that though my emotion was valid it was not able to change my situation. Sometimes we allow ourselves to think that our emotions can change the situation and it can’t the only thing that can change my situation is God.
At the end of the day I could have eaten a thousand pineapple cores, and went three thousand months early to acupuncture, but if God did not want it to work it just wasn’t going to work. All things work in God’s timing. Then I realized this is my ministry. Help while hurting; heal while broken, reach out while fighting because someone believes they can’t help until they are healed.
I understood that if the IVF worked I would not be effective in my ministry. I would not be able to push my sisters, and encourage you all that there is ministry in your breaking. I know it’s hard to stay encouraged when you are fighting, but I want you to understand that just because you are fighting does not mean can’t speak. The fight is not over until God says it is over, and you are capable of winning. The thing about a fight is there are many rounds, and there is no telling what round you are in today.
I understand that my fight continues because I need to be able to show you all that you can help people while fighting, and you can minister while hoping for God to turn things around for you. You don’t have to wait to have it all together for God to use you. The thing we fail to realize is that Jesus died on the cross. He was whipped, bleeding, crushed, and hurting in front of us, and His life in that moment was a ministry. God used His crushing to save people. If Jesus’s life is a ministry then we can’t just take the pretty parts we have to take all of the parts, and though He was beaten and crushed He became a king after His beating after his crushing.
You have to go through a crushing period in order to get to your royal period. I am sad some days, but I am a fighter everyday, and at the end of the day I know God gave me a yes for my son. He did not tell me a time, but He gave me a yes, and I will fight with that yes. I decided to fall in love with my life before God could bless me with another one. Some of us are praying for our blessing when we haven’t fallen in love with the blessing God gives us everyday the blessing of life. The blessing to keep fighting. Every day I wake up is another day I get to fight for Nehemiah.
I decided to work on falling in love with me and the Jesus in me. I decided to start enjoying me before asking God to give me something else to enjoy. If I can delight myself in Him then He will grant me the desires of my heart. Don’t believe me? The Bible says, “If you delight yourself in Him He will grant you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4) Most people only pay attention to the He will grant you the desires of your heart part, but they skip the first step.
So I asked God to help me get a revelation out of that, and I want to share it with you. If you delight yourself in Him first then He will grant you the desires of your heart. Now watch this you are probably saying how do we do that Cora? This is how if Jesus is living on the inside of you then begin to nurture yourself with the Word. Begin to love on yourself. Begin to know Jesus for yourself first before asking for your desires. Because the blessing comes when you can delight yourself in Him.
When I know Jesus I know me. When I seek Jesus I will find myself. This is my hope for you that Jesus is living so deep on the inside of you that in order for your blessing to come you must learn to love the Jesus that is in you. You have to tap into the Jesus in you in order to unlock the blessings that He holds in His hands. You must delight yourself in Jesus.
Now Google defines delight as “please (someone) greatly” now break that down if you “please greatly yourself in Jesus then He will grant you the desires of your heart.” Begin to become pleased with yourself in Jesus begin to develop a great pleasure in your relationship with God, and then He will grant you the desires of your heart. I was sad, and I thought that Jesus had forgotten about me, and I wanted to know why, and I got it now.
I must be pleased with myself in Jesus in order for Him to bless me. Are you pleased with yourself in Jesus? Are you asking for a blessing and you haven’t developed a relationship with Jesus? Job got blessed because of his relationship with God, and he delighted himself in Christ, and he got more then what he asked for. So instead of me wallowing in what I didn’t get I will start to get close to the blessing God gave me.
I have to get closer to the Jesus living in me, and I will keep fighting for my promise, but not without delighting myself in Jesus first. Let me end by saying this I challenge you to lose (loose) yourself in Jesus. That’s when you can truly surrender to God’s will for your life. People say that all the time I surrender all, but in their heart they are hoping God’s will is what they desire. When you can truly say God I trust that whatever you have planned for me is better then what I have thought of.
When you can surrender your life and your will to God then you are protected, and your desire truly can come. When Jesus was on the cross and He looked up and He said “it is finished” that is when He was released from the pains of His open wounds, from His thirst, and that is when He became King of Kings. When He surrendered God freed Him from His pain. When you are going through pain, sadness, and hurt it is in your surrendering that God frees you. Lose yourself in Jesus and when you lose yourself in Jesus and surrender in Jesus then you can be loosed.
My story is not over it has only just begun, but I am challenged to fall in love with me, and in that if I fall in love with the Jesus in me then I know that God will grant me the desires of my heart. Not only will He grant me my desires He will protect me from the hurts and pains of this world. For the Bible says “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty” (Psalms 91:1). I have decided to rest. I have decided to surrender, and instead of hoping God’s will matches with my desire I have asked that my desire match up with God’s will. Love you guys!!