“Mama look at the big ball.” She says. I try to keep my composure because this is all new to me, and I have never been called this before. “Mama look at the big ball.” Her first words wow that feeling will stick with me forever. I love her more than my heart can hold I am sure, but I don’t care because I would give her my heart, and I have only known her for approximately twenty minutes. Our classes are done, and they were long, and detailed. They were filled with paperwork, and lessons to learn. They were hard to get through, and some people gave up, but it got me to “Mama look at the big ball.” Ladies and gentlemen after all the trials and tribulations Brandon and I took on fostering to adopt, and we have been blessed with an amazing little girl. She is 4 years old. The amazing thing is she didn’t come from me, but I see myself in her, and I love her no differently than I would have love a child I birthed myself.
Her birthday is a day after my Grandma rest her souls birthday. We wanted to name our first birthed daughter Amauri it means a gift from God. Her birth names also means a gift from God. We were fighting through life and we are still going to fight for being able to birth children. Our hearts are with this precious baby that was given to us without a fight without tears of sadness without detachment she fit right in to our family as if she had waited for us her whole life. I got to celebrate her birthday with her. I got to take her to her doctor’s appointment. She automatically began to call me mama. Now I can tell you guys for real it isn’t about birthing a child that makes you a mother. It’s the big ball. It’s the bath time it’s the story time it’s our special night-time song. It’s the spontaneous hugs when your child says I love you mommy. That is what makes you a parent.
I am a mother because she chose me. I am a mother because God chose me. It’s hard to sit in life with hard diagnoses of cancer, pcos, infertility or anything else, but you have to believe that God is still choosing you. God is still wanting you to be a parent to a child born or unborn. Your time is coming there were many night I cried for my failed IVF treatment, and lost children. There were times I though God had forgotten about me, and I would not make it past this. I felt like how could I love something that didn’t come from me. How can I be a mommy if I can’t say “I brought you into this world, and I will take you out” like all the other mothers could? Will my family love this child as they would a child I birthed.
Would my husband love this child as he would a child I birthed? I had all these questions, and then one day I let go, and let God. I said God let my husband love this child as he would a child I birthed. Let my family see this child as a child I birthed. Let this child see us as their parents, and nothing more or less. When I let go and let God I was able to see the big ball. The ball my daughter was talking about is a revolving ball in Downtown Dallas, and it’s beautiful. It turns around and around and around when you are sitting inside of it. When you are sitting inside of it your view and perception changes as you are sitting down watching.
God wants this from you to see things in a different perspective. The ball never changes on the inside or out it is just always turning as is life. The perception you see inside the ball is always changing because that is the world. I challenge you to see the big ball, and understand being a mommy will never change for you. It’s the perception within your dream that will always change when you give God the wheel. Don’t give God the plan you have stop look and listen, and watch Him change your perception. She is my Amauri she is my daughter. I didn’t birth her, but I would die for her like a birth mother. I would give her a kidney like a birth mother. I will hug her like a birth mother, and I will love her like a birth mother. I am still a mommy my perception through God’s eyes has simply changed. Stay tuned this is not the end of my journey it is only the beginning.