Where is the How?

I have good days and bad days. Some days I wish I could stay in the bed forever, but I know I must keep moving. I could let this get me down, but I just can’t. The day that I found out that our embryos didn’t attach I was extremely devastated, and I wasn’t sure that I would make it through. There were some days that were harder than others, and there were days that I laughed, and found joy. I was angry that it didn’t work out. I expressed my feelings to God I told Him that I was angry at Him that he took my babies after I begged Him not to. The thing that you all must realize is God knows when you are mad at Him. You can’t hide it. I have always had a relationship with God where I could tell Him whatever I was feeling. One day I just screamed on the inside of my soul and lashed out to God and I let Him know how I didn’t think it was fair I had to go through this. Why did I have to be chosen to be infertile? I went through a lot of why questions to God, and I am sure that you do the same. I was shut up when God replied I don’t have to give you the why if you would focus on the how to the why. I wasn’t sure what that meant. I didn’t know what to do with it.

I am able now to tell you what it meant. How can I use this? How can I make it? How can I get stronger? How can I be better? That is my challenge for you guys today find the how in your why. You must learn to break through. Have that moment of rage, and lash out, and release, and when you are finished find your how. After the call of the negative test result the nurses called me back immediately trying to reschedule the next cycle. I will have you know my doctor was very hands on during the process, but I haven’t heard from her not once since my negative test results. I expected a call to see how I was, and an I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I expected her to tell me a few answers to my why. I am not longer waiting anymore I have moved on to my how. My husband and I we sat down, and we prayed together. He held me on the nights that I cried, and suddenly I began to remember a great friend of mine her name is Shammah. At her birthday party we met a wonderful woman named Sheree and she was a case worker for a fostering and fostering to adopt agency.

I was suddenly reminded of what I had told you guys. Birthing a child and pregnancy doesn’t make you a mother it is the care, safety, and love that you give a child that makes you a mother. It’s the battles, and struggles you go through with that child. With that reminder I sat down at my computer, and typed up a letter to Mrs. Sheree and asked her about the process of fostering to adopt. I found my how. I was going to become a mother, and my husband was behind me, and she e-mailed me back. I found my how through helping you in this site. I found my how in every blog post, and every class that I go through. I challenge you ladies find the how, and stop worrying about you’re why. I love PJ Morton Jr. music one of my favorite songs by him say’s these lyrics in the course.

There’ll be good days, and bad days sometimes,

But don’t let the bad days change your mind.

Dig down dip in your heart and you’ll see That the bad days’ don’t change who we be.



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  1. Cora can I just say this is such a blessing to me!!! I am 25 years old and I AM NOT actively seeking to get pregnant right now but it is a dream and desire of mine to be a mother one day. I just know it will happen. Your blog is actually helping me and ministering to me about another aspect of my life: Marriage. I was supposed to get married August 2011. I was engaged and planning my wedding and everything but it all fell apart piece by piece. I was so devastated. Its kinda similar to what you describe as the process of adoption being that you believe something will be forever and you get attacthed but then its can get taken away. I am still working through it and do not have all the answers I want. I truly believed this was the one and that God and brought us together. and GIRL I fought hard for it !! I remember relating to your post and how you tried everything to keep your babies inside like lifting your legs up and eating pinapples. But you knew something wasnt right and it fell apart. I related so much. There were times I wanted to get pregnant outside of marriage just to ensure it happened(marriage)(low moment I know). One time I really thought I was pregnant. I strongly believed I was but one day I started spotting and I remember the anguish and anger I felt at God and I told him. It hurts and some days are indeed better than others but your blog has blessed and touched me so much. Its giving me courage not to give up but to ask God what my whole invitation says, not just the part I thought was so certain. Please pray for me sis and please continue to be honest heartfelt and open because you are helping me !!! God Bless you!!!!

    • Deandra when I was 19 years old my first true love asked me to marry him, and I said yes. We were in love my family loved him, but somehow we grew apart, and it gave me the opportunity to find Brandon the true true true love of my life. At the time when we grew apart I was devastated heartbroken, and I didn’t understand. My mother gently told me “what God has for you is for you.” it can’t be taken away. I know it hurts and I know you don’t understand and I know you are scared, but what God has for you is for you….Be encouraged your boaz will come.

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