Where is the How?


I have good days and bad days. Some days I wish I could stay in the bed forever, but I know I must keep moving. I could let this get me down, but I just can’t. The day that I found out that our embryos didn’t attach I was extremely devastated, and I wasn’t sure that I would make it through. There were some days that were harder than others, and there were days that I laughed, and found joy. I was angry that it didn’t work out. I expressed my feelings to God I told Him that I was angry at Him that he took my babies after I begged Him not to. The thing that you all must realize is God knows when you are mad at Him. You can’t hide it. I have always had a relationship with God where I could tell Him whatever I was feeling. One day I just screamed on the inside of my soul and lashed out to God and I let Him know how I didn’t think it was fair I had to go through this. Why did I have to be chosen to be infertile? I went through a lot of why questions to God, and I am sure that you do the same. I was shut up when God replied I don’t have to give you the why if you would focus on the how to the why. I wasn’t sure what that meant. I didn’t know what to do with it.

I am able now to tell you what it meant. How can I use this? How can I make it? How can I get stronger? How can I be better? That is my challenge for you guys today find the how in your why. You must learn to break through. Have that moment of rage, and lash out, and release, and when you are finished find your how. After the call of the negative test result the nurses called me back immediately trying to reschedule the next cycle. I will have you know my doctor was very hands on during the process, but I haven’t heard from her not once since my negative test results. I expected a call to see how I was, and an I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I expected her to tell me a few answers to my why. I am not longer waiting anymore I have moved on to my how. My husband and I we sat down, and we prayed together. He held me on the nights that I cried, and suddenly I began to remember a great friend of mine her name is Shammah. At her birthday party we met a wonderful woman named Sheree and she was a case worker for a fostering and fostering to adopt agency.

I was suddenly reminded of what I had told you guys. Birthing a child and pregnancy doesn’t make you a mother it is the care, safety, and love that you give a child that makes you a mother. It’s the battles, and struggles you go through with that child. With that reminder I sat down at my computer, and typed up a letter to Mrs. Sheree and asked her about the process of fostering to adopt. I found my how. I was going to become a mother, and my husband was behind me, and she e-mailed me back. I found my how through helping you in this site. I found my how in every blog post, and every class that I go through. I challenge you ladies find the how, and stop worrying about you’re why. I love PJ Morton Jr. music one of my favorite songs by him say’s these lyrics in the course.

There’ll be good days, and bad days sometimes,

But don’t let the bad days change your mind.

Dig down dip in your heart and you’ll see That the bad days’ don’t change who we be.

You will be a mother don’t change your mind because the storm came simply stand on the HOW. HOW WILL YOU MAKE IT? HOW WILL YOU GET BETTER? HOW WILL YOUR DREAMS STILL BE EVEN THOUGH THIS STORM HAS COME. BE ENCOURAGED MY FERTILITY SISTERS THIS IS OUR YEAR COME WHAT MAY!!

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20 thoughts on “Where is the How?”

  1. Wonderful post Cora,
    There are so many ways to become a mother, it is great that you are pursuing your options. I would always feel like something was missing and never complete. God works in mysterious ways!
    When I go and work in Kenya I have a whole village of children that surround me with love, best feeling ever. My favorite scripture is Isaiah 54, it defines my situation perfectly. God is awesome.

    Future mother to be, your time is coming!

  2. AMEN!!

    May the Lord continue to bless you on your journey. I will continue to pray for you and all women on this painful yet wonderful journey to the fulfillment of God’s plan for our lives.

    I am so excited for you!! TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!

  3. Your strength during this tough time in your life is encouraging. When we walk on this journey it is important to focus on the how and not dwell on the why. God wants to get the glory out of each and every situation and seeking Him on the how is the best way to do that. Thank you for this on today, I needed it!

    1. Absolutely my pleasure. I believe in what I write, and want women to always search for the how as oppose to dwelling on the why. Thank you for your support, and please spread the word.

  4. Dear Cora,
    Thank you for always being honest, transparent to God and to us and also being so courageous. Your sharing touches me every time I read and connect with you and other wonderful ladies thru this blog.
    Today, when you said, “…and typed up a letter to Mrs. Sheree and asked her about the process of fostering to adopt. I found my how.”, it touched my soul so much.
    I am Japanese, married to my husband for 8 years. When I was 38 y/o, I got married and now have a 5 y/o son. But because I used to have a uterine fibroids (myoma) and had gone thru an operation before I met my husband, and also experienced more than 3 miscarriages at the first trimester before my son and even one or two after him, I really imagine how you feel.
    I praise God for you for the precious desicion you’ve made and may He bless you so much. I pray that the God of Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth and Mary, the same God will work a mighty wonder in you because He is the same yesterday, today and forever. Glory and thanks be to the One who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.(Eph.3:20)
    With much love and respect.

    1. Thank you very much Omo for sharing your story, and I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages, but very happy to hear that you gained a wonderful boy in spite of it all. Please keep your head up, and thank you for your prayers. Please spread the word leave no woman battling infertility alone!! God Bless You!!

  5. I am going through the process of becoming a foster mother now, I have one more class and I am so excited to share my home and love with a kid, until I have my own in the future. Keep the faith Cora, you will get your babies!

    1. That is wonderful Kerry-Ann how did you like the classes. Are you fostering to adopt or just fostering? That is really exciting I pray all the best for you. I will get my babies through God I am not sure how He has decided to do it, but my openness to His will is certainly opening doors.

    2. Fostering to adopt. Thanks for the love, indeed God will answer your prayers in due time..don’t give up now!

  6. Dear Cora,

    Even though I have not posted since writing about the name Nehemia, I have been following for your updates regularly. I am so sorry about these heartbreaking results and I have a jumble of things to say. I know that what I say will come out in a mish-mash but I hope that in the end you will get the important parts of it. I was listening to one of your dad’s services, a couple months ago, and he said use everything you’ve got. I am actually forgetting the details right now but to me what it meant was to turn to G-d and also at the same time use every resource in the practical world as well. He was contrasting people who are so spiritual they forget to pay their bills with other people who are able to constantly do anything real-world and practical but completely ignore the spiritual realm. Please bear with me this is getting to you soon!

    Anyhow – I realized listening to this that I make both of these mistakes. When I was diagnosed with a fertility problem (which by the way, turned out to be based on misinformation that a doctor gave me) – I made the decision to focus on science and not to think about God. I decided that God would understand, I was just afraid that trying to think about God and about science at the same time would confuse my mind and I would make irrational decisions. Okay – so I did research, research, research. I read pubmed articles, I talked to a bunch of different RE’s with different philosophies. I ordered Oxford Journal Reports. Well I found out lots and lots of information – however I also had a lot of bad luck, some of it seemed really random. I tried my very best but it was a real case of missing the forest for the trees. Also, this fertility world is very very confusing with many people disagreeing with each other about many things!

    Anyhow – I will probably post about this in several stages. But I found out a lot of things. In no particular order – NO doctor or RE is the best. They all have different pieces of the puzzle. And even the best ones have blind spots in the areas where they are not the best. This is no disrespect to your RE – but please be aware that this is just true for everybody. Every great program, every great clinic, has its strengths and weaknesses.

    Okay – I knew this would be a jumble. I am skipping ahead of myself. What I was trying to say is that I did not use everything that I’ve got. I focused on science and PURPOSELY did not think about God, because as I said I figured God would understand and would prefer me to make scientific decisions. I didn’t realize I could do both at the same time. What I wanted to tell you is that clearly you are connected to God. You will never not be connected to God. However, maybe you haven’t delved deep enough into the science and sometimes God works through science (obviously, otherwise nobody would be getting any fertility treatments in the first place). First thing I have to say is whatever you do, don’t let anybody touch your other ovary! I know, I am writing in a very confusing way but if I try to organize all of this I will never express what I want to express. My point is that you too, should use everything you’ve got!

    Another thing – why not be open to God’s path in more than one way? Look at Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt . Their family is biological AND adopted. What I am saying is you can stay open to a biological child at the same time that you are opening up to other routes. Stay open to all routes all the time. Sometimes these journeys take YEARS.

    But on the biological route, I think there is medical information that you do not have and I will be happy to do some research and post it. I do not have PCOS, that is not my problem. So, it is NOT my area of highest knowledge. However in all of my crazy research I couldn’t help but learn a few things that might be useful to you. If it is not useful, just ignore it!!!! Only pay attention to anything that I say that is useful and please ignore the rest. I can’t calculate myself how what I write will affect anybody reading this blog so that goes for anybody reading this post as well. But I do think that if the information is already out there, God wants people to have access to it – as long as it is correct information obviously.

    So anyhow – I just want you to know that there are a number of places that have been doing IVF cycles for women with PCOS without using medications (I mean, no shots). Instead what they do is that they take out the eggs when they are still immature and they mature them outside of the body, and THEN they try to fertilize them. All those fsh shots that you administered, as you know, are for the purpose of maturing eggs INSIDE the body.

    The first place that was doing this was McGill University in Canada, now there are other places that are doing this – I will have to look into this to find out where. The success rates are not all that high – but at the same time you don’t have to put your body through all of this medication. Also, emotionally, I think it is much easier because each cycle is not as huge of a process. I think you just go in, they get the eggs try to mature them, and then let you know the outcome a few days later. It might take many tries but even for a fertile couple it is normal for it to take 6 months to succeed. Let me be clear: I am NOT recommending this. I have no idea about any of the details of this. There might be problems with this procedure that I don’t know about (there usually are, with all medical procedures!) I don’t think it’s good for your ovaries to have too many occasions of eggs being scraped out of them either.

    I just want to get the point across that this is also an option, and did anybody tell you about it? So that’s what I mean when I say no clinic is the best. That was just an example. There is a lot of information out there and I think that now would be a good time to maybe step back and gather all the scientific information possible, and again whatever you do do not let anybody touch your other ovary!

    I recommend not starting another cycle until you really have all the information that can help you, have taken care of your body as well as possible – and know that it is being approached in the most intelligent way on all levels. Especially important for women with IF is doing everything possible to prevent miscarriages in advance, because of the terrible tragedy of this and because there really are a lot of steps that can be taken. Until you have prepared as fully as possible I say wait a little bit and let your body rest.

    You are very young in terms of age of eggs and that means very good prospects, but at the same time I love that you are open to all directions. Motherhood can come in many different ways and I know you will be the most amazing mother in the world however it happens. But at the same time don’t give up on ANY path. More than one can come true…

    This message is really really long. I don’t need a long response!! Actually I have been sort of weak in the realm of faith and what I most need is just to read your blog posts again. I just want you to know the important thing is you are an inspiration and thank you so much for this blog. And I hope that you are keeping the faith too because there is so much possibility for you in ALL directions.

    1. Hello Mia you were missed. I want you to know that all of this information is helpful, but I am not only focused on the spiritual side I have researched fully about my whole situation and options. I have read the books, and researched online all of my options. I am not sure that you read my other post, but I talk to my fertility sisters about making sure they get all the knowledge that is required before risking their bodies. I mentioned how I was taking time to prepare my body and rest after the vigorous procedure my body went through. I am not closed minded I am open minded to all the options me finding out about the process is another way that I am gaining knowledge of all of my options. My faith is not shaken, and I tell all my fertility sisters to be open minded to all the ways God has for them, but not to give up on the promise of God that’s what my blog is about. The procedure in which you are speaking of whereby they mature the eggs on the outside is highly expensive, and does not have very high successful rates, and is better used with women who produce a egg monthly and women with PCOS do not do that on a regular basis if at all. I want you to know that I am young, but have always researched before I did anything to my body, and asked all the questions and spoke to many doctors before picking the one that we went with. I know that God works in science and in the spiritual realm and I am open to whatever vessel He chooses to make me a mother, and I have by NO MEANS given up on being able to give birth. I also want to let you know that my son to be his name is Nehemiah with an h at the end just as it is spelled in The Bible. Again thank you for your post, and your advice for me and all of the women reading this it’s appreciated. GOD BLESS YOU!!

  7. Dear Cora,
    Oh my God. I just read your blog post again and now I see that my entire message above just really misses the mark. I read what you wrote very quickly and I just wanted to warn you to wait before doing another cycle. I didn’t even properly read the important, heart and soul part of your message. I am so sorry! You have decided on the how and not to go through another cycle anyhow. Okay – well you are amazing and you can ignore my whole message above. I was trying to protect you from going through another cycle without every single tool at your disposal. I did catch that you were talking about fostering but I didn’t really get what you were saying before writing this whole epic post. You truly will be the most amazing parents and you have great heart and courage. You will have the most blessed family, and one thing that I will say again is that you are a great inspiration. Really sorry about my post because it sounds like I am trying to urge you to keep thinking about more cycles, etc. etc – and that is not the case – I was just RUSHING because I was afraid you were going to schedule another cycle before I had the chance to tell you to slow down. Meanwhile I am the one who needed to slow down and read your post more carefully!

    1. Thank you Cora,

      As you can see I realized my mistake as soon as I posted (my second post was written before I saw your response). I also did not mean to imply you did not do all the research. I do remember your post about this topic about this exact same concept – warning other women to think medically and make intelligent decisions. It’s just that in practical terms, I have found that some of the best medical information actually comes from women in forums who can speak of their real-world experiences – and if this had been the right direction to go in I was planning to try to post some suggestions towards other people’s informative blogs and stuff like that. Just in case it would have been helpful – because no matter how many books I’ve read or expert RE’s I’ve talked to I have actually gotten some of the best information from online forums, from other women.

      But obviously, this was not the right direction – and all that matters is where you are now.
      And I want you to know that when the name Nehemia came up and I wrote you about it – I actually thought it was a message for you. And actually the name Nehemia came up 3 times, not just once after reading your blog. So this is the most heartwarming news ever and I am so happy for you.

  8. I mean Nehemiah, with an H at the end! Wow I am being so rushed and careless today. This is the most beautiful name. נְחֶמְיָה, That’s in Hebrew, and it has an ‘hei’ at the end…

    Here is what it says in Wikipedia about the letter “hei”:

    ‘Hei is often used to represent the name of God, as He stands for Hashem, which means The Name and is a way of saying God without actually saying the name of God.’

  9. Despite your experience, I still believe that you will conceive and bring forth a wonderful life that will be both a blessing to this world and to the God you believe in. The god we all seek comfort and healing from. The god of our hopes, dreams and fulfilled promises. It is God’s will for you to have the desires of your heart. It’s in His word. Psalms 37:4 says: “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Elkanah experienced a similar situation and felt shame, loneliness and despair. However, 1 Samuel 1:19-20 states: “When Elkanah slept with Hannah, the Lord remembered her plea, and in due time she gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, for she said, ‘I asked the Lord for him.’” In due time, the Lord answered Hannah’s prayers and I believe He will do the same for you. I don’t know if it will be through medicine or just sheer prayer and faith, but I believe that it will happen. I only ask that you seek the Lord as to your “how.” I think that if you do it prayerfully, it will protect you from disappointments and a broken heart. That’s what helps me. Don’t allow the biggest liar, the Devil, to keep you from your dreams. Allow your dreams, the promise that God made and the belief of its fulfillment to remain planted and flourish in your heart. Darlene McCoy sings a song that encourages me while I walk in faith for the manifestation of God’s promises called “I Shall Live and Not Die.” Although it is a song about healing in the midst of a physical ailment, I place it in the perspective of overcoming discouragement and negative words while I continue to believe and press on. If you listen carefully to every lyric in the song, you will see how it can be applied to any part of life. The song also says, “I shall finish strong.” Mrs. Cora Coleman, finish strong! Show everyone you can do it all because you have an all-powerful God who loves you and holds you and your circumstances in the palm of His hand.

    As far as being a foster mother is concerned, I believe that you will be the best this world has to offer! I don’t like to tell too many people this, but I was raised in foster care as well. I know the need for good, caring, sincere and strong foster mothers who will take in children that for some reason or another, cannot be cared for by their own biological families. I’ve seen good foster mothers and I was raised by one. She wasn’t perfect but the love she gave me and the example she provided will last me the rest of my life. It will offer me direction when I marry and decide to have children. While I was growing up, good foster mothers were few and far between. I think that you will be the answer to many prayers.

    Mrs. Cora Coleman, I believe that you can do it all! You can be the flyest and dopest biological mother and foster mother. I decree and declare that newspapers and magazines will even right articles about your style. I decree and declare that mothers and child care centers will take notes and incorporate your methods into their daily regimen. Don’t give up!

    Here is the link to the song, I Shall Live and Not Die:

    1. I remain confident in God’s powers to make me a mother. I am doing the adoption because I am keeping all my options open. I am not giving up on what God can do with me, or to my body through His power and grace. I know all things are possible. My how is to be open to all God can offer not just through birth but through adopting as well. Thank you for your prayers. I am not through fighting just adding a new possibility!! Fostering is not a plan b it is attached to my plan A I will become a mother through God’s plan I am just playing it out. Thanks again God Bless You!!

  10. Cora can I just say this is such a blessing to me!!! I am 25 years old and I AM NOT actively seeking to get pregnant right now but it is a dream and desire of mine to be a mother one day. I just know it will happen. Your blog is actually helping me and ministering to me about another aspect of my life: Marriage. I was supposed to get married August 2011. I was engaged and planning my wedding and everything but it all fell apart piece by piece. I was so devastated. Its kinda similar to what you describe as the process of adoption being that you believe something will be forever and you get attacthed but then its can get taken away. I am still working through it and do not have all the answers I want. I truly believed this was the one and that God and brought us together. and GIRL I fought hard for it !! I remember relating to your post and how you tried everything to keep your babies inside like lifting your legs up and eating pinapples. But you knew something wasnt right and it fell apart. I related so much. There were times I wanted to get pregnant outside of marriage just to ensure it happened(marriage)(low moment I know). One time I really thought I was pregnant. I strongly believed I was but one day I started spotting and I remember the anguish and anger I felt at God and I told him. It hurts and some days are indeed better than others but your blog has blessed and touched me so much. Its giving me courage not to give up but to ask God what my whole invitation says, not just the part I thought was so certain. Please pray for me sis and please continue to be honest heartfelt and open because you are helping me !!! God Bless you!!!!

    1. Deandra when I was 19 years old my first true love asked me to marry him, and I said yes. We were in love my family loved him, but somehow we grew apart, and it gave me the opportunity to find Brandon the true true true love of my life. At the time when we grew apart I was devastated heartbroken, and I didn’t understand. My mother gently told me “what God has for you is for you.” it can’t be taken away. I know it hurts and I know you don’t understand and I know you are scared, but what God has for you is for you….Be encouraged your boaz will come.

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