What Are You Gonna Do?

I woke up early that morning, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and placed on loose fitting clothes. Today is what I have been telling you all about the big day. I walk down the stairs with extreme excitement singing a song “I’m going to get pregnant. I’m going to get pregnant. I’m going to get pregnant. I’m going to have a baby.” I was dancing and singing because today my two embryos would be transferred, and it would mark the beginning of my life. I climb in the car, and we drive to the fertility clinic. It was my sissy Sarah, husband, and cousin Tiffani in one car. My mother and father in the other, and they all planned to be there with me during this big day. We drove to the clinic to “Yahweh” By Mali Music while I drank two large bottles of water to make sure that my bladder was full for the procedure.

We checked in and waited in the waiting room, and my husband Brandon prayed over me, and they called me to the back. My parents had not arrived yet, but they were coming. The woman showed me on the print out paper what embryo’s had been selected, and then it was time to go into the room. The nurse escorted me to the room, and I placed the gown on, and my cousin, Brandon, sister, and I waited till we heard my parents come in. When my father and mother arrived I asked for my father to pray again and he did. The doctor came in, and in that moment we were only allowed to have two people in the room. So I picked my mother and of course my husband Brandon. There was an accompanying nurse with the doctor that was to do the sonogram while she was inserting the embryo’s.

“Ouch” I continued to try to breathe but there was so much pressure from the sonogram speculum, and then the doctor inserted the catheter to place the embryos. It was so much pressure I felt that my bladder would burst. The doctor told me to look at the screen, and I saw them there they were two beautiful embryo’s in that moment I didn’t care about the pain or the pressure. I could see my babies. My mother was crying, and I was so overwhelmed that all I could do was smile. It was a beautiful moment, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. They were like small lights up on the screen, and then all I had to do was sit there for 20 minutes elevated, and I would be fine to go home, and rest.

I sat there refusing the bed pan that was offered to me for 20 minutes. I walked to the car clinging together so as to hope my babies didn’t fall out. It was frightening. I went home and elevated my legs and ate pineapples, and prayed for success. I didn’t want to move, cough, much less blink for three days because I was scared something could happen, and I would lose them. I had three embryos left that I was hoping were going to be freezable, and two days later the nurse called to tell me they didn’t make it to the freezing process. I was devastated because I knew if this didn’t work it meant that we would have to start over from square one, and that was going to be exhausting.

I wanted to continue having hope until on the 9th day the day before my pregnancy test I began to spot, and a feeling of dread came over me. I knew something was wrong. I knew God had decided to delay us, and I just cried begging God. “Please don’t take my babies God please.” I held my legs up, and ate pineapple after pineapple, but deep in my soul I knew no matter how high my legs were lifted or how many pineapples I ate it was over my embryo’s didn’t make it. It hurt more than I can even express. I didn’t know how to shake it. I didn’t know how I was going to breathe pass this moment of dread.

I look back on that moment, and it still is hard, but I take so much from the experience that I can share with you guys today. The pressure from the speculum, the pain of the procedure, the outcome and all the above was difficult, but that is what brought me to fertilityfaith.com. I had to go through the pressure, the pain, the process to get to the outcome of helping you women, men, daughter, sisters, and others who are reading this today. This process of In-vitro fertilization was hard and it took a lot out of me, but God wants more out of us. God wanted me to walk through this process to see if I would be willing to speak about my testimony even though I didn’t win.

I challenge you today to trust God in the midst of the no that you got. I challenge you to believe God even when He says not now. I challenge you to believe that a delay is not a deny, and that God can and will period. When that nurse was pressing down on my stomach that day it hurt. I honestly didn’t think I would make it, but I did, and there was a beautiful moment that came from it. I say that to say to you  just because it wasn’t the rainbow I envisioned doesn’t mean there was not a rainbow shown. God may be showing you a different rainbow then what you thought, and you need to trust that it’s better then what you saw, and see it don’t hide from what God is trying to do because He didn’t do what you wanted Him to do.

The enemy will come in like a flood, and God will lift a standard against it. (Isaiah 59:19) It is time for you to understand that the standard that He lifts might not be the one that you asked for. Can you encourage people that God can; even when He hasn’t for you yet. Can you smile at that person who is holding your dream, and praise God for her/him when she/he is standing in your shoes. Are you so set on what you want from God that you refuse to see what He can do for you beyond what you want? If God said He can do exceedingly abundantly above anything you can ask or think. Why must you continue to place Him in the box you thought of? It’s time to praise God when everyone around you is standing in their yes while you are yet and still trying to figure out your no. Sometimes opening up to the testimony you have that you didn’t win is what will get you to the winning finish line. Can you run for God when it seems like He isn’t running for you.  My sister sarahdhenson.com spoke at an event called Dare to Dream, and she brought up a scripture that is so great for my post today. The scripture was Hebrews 4:11 and it says so let’s keep at it and eventually arrive at the place of rest, not drop out through some sort of disobedience. That is what God is wanting from us to keep at it to be diligent, and not to drop out keep running and God will keep running for you. It didn’t work out the way you wanted, but as I always say What Are You Gonna Do?


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  1. Hello, I just came across your blog for the first time this morning. I currently have very little desire to be a mother, but I was curious, so I read a few of your posts, and I’m glad I did. I have, and have always had a STRONG desire to be a wife. I’m currently 30(and a half) years old, and it’s not looking hopeful…I’m not even currently dating anyone. I was dating a guy that I REALLY like, but the guy disappeared for reasons that I’m unsure of. So, I guess that’s a big, fat no from God. I really thought he was the “one”. I know some people that have the type of marriage that I desire, & it saddens me to hear them talk about it. Something you said really struck a chord with me, “It’s time to praise God when everyone around you is standing in their yes while you are yet and still trying to figure out your no.” I swear I am really trying to figure out my no. I would at least like to understand why. But you’re right, in the midst of it, I still need to praise God. For He knows & sees things that I can’t. Jeremiah 29:11 is really helping me through this time. Your words have been a blessing to me this morning. Thank you!

    • My pleasure Natasha often times there is something within ourselves that needs to be addressed and fixed before God can place us in a position to receive the man God has for us. Instead of praising God in advance for what He is going to do prepare for what He is going to do. There is no sense in praying for a husband you aren’t prepared to be a wife for. Stay strong keep pushing and like my dad says get ready get ready get ready. If you think you are ready ask God to show you what else is missing in you…praying for you..

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