All I can do now is hope. I have to hope and pray that we have follicles and that those follicles will have my babies in them, and that my cyst isn’t reacting to the medication. I get on the table, my husband standing beside me, and the nurse looks, and to my amazing surprise she counts eight follicles, and I am so happy, and excited. The nurse says and I quote “Your follicles are great, and your uterus is beautiful” and that is like music to my ears. You know in my mind I was so sure okay everything is going swimmingly and my body is reacting perfectly so this has to be my moment of success. I can’t lose because it is going so well. The doctor will call me later with my results and that will confirm for me what my next step is with the medication, and this will be the mixed combination shot that I have been extremely nervous about. I have to watch her closely and I want to record it, and take notes, and I don’t want to get this wrong. I also hear that this shot burns and I am scared of that too. The nurse gives me the go ahead. So as I tell you often I take a breath and I poke myself, and yes this cocktail is definitely no day on the beach. It burns and I rub my stomach in a an effort to relieve the pain, and it slowly goes away. Wow what a woman does to get babies, and get anything in general. This is tough, but I carry on, and take a break until tomorrow.
This is a whole new level of no pain no gain. I think of Nehemiah and it gets me through. This is perfect. I was at a peace, and I was happy throughout the process. I took the shots as directed, and everything feels okay. I am still nervous, but I am pushing through this. Because at the end of the day God has the final say as to rather this works or not. All I have at this point is what I am standing on right now, but if this doesn’t work that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe God. It also doesn’t mean that I feel empty or like I have no other way. I have walked in such a way that says God let your will be done, and I walk that with no strings attached. I think often we say God let your will be done, but we have strings to that. “God let your will be done as long as it means this IVF work, or this pill works, or that I get pregnant naturally.” We can’t position ourselves for greatness placing strings on God. We can remain hopeful and still be open to whatever God says. Ladies you have to remain hopeful in everything that you do. You have to have the faith that God will, and can do what is seemingly impossible in His own way. You stand on faith, and you hope that faith will keep standing, and that you won’t fall.
You stand on faith and you hold onto God’s will while standing. The reality of life is sometimes you will fall, and sometimes you won’t get what you expect. Sometimes God will say hey I didn’t call for this IVF cycle to work. I didn’t call for this baby to be born, and I know that leaves you with a feeling of why. I wonder the same thing quite often, but I keep standing. You have to understand that in life there are always obstacles, and how you climb over those obstacles is what makes whatever you gain after worth it. You can’t be in one box with God because He is bigger than the box you built for yourself. If you stay closed-minded to God how can you expect Him to remain open-minded to your wants and desires. Sometimes it’s important to sit and wait instead of continuing to run into a brick wall in the hopes that it will fall down. Sometimes God hasn’t called you to run into the wall sometimes He may call you to climb it, build a door, and sometimes He may call you to walk away. Sometimes you fail test just so you can study better to try again. Sometimes it is simply just knowledge that you must gain to be successful. It is the experience that you have that puts you in that perfect position, and God is the same way.
You have to study yourself, and study God, and develop a relationship with Him where you can say REALLY GOD WHY DIDN’T THAT WORK, and you must have such a relationship with God where you don’t mind sitting down and waiting for the answer on the basis that you know He will answer. Sometimes the best thing you can do in this fight is to be still and know that He is God. The basic point of that is to KNOW it won’t work to be still if you don’t KNOW and it’s important for you to gain knowledge of just what and who God is Sometimes it’s important to aces where your life is, and see if it fits with what you are asking for. Are you taking the time to talk to your doctors in detail? Are you getting second opinions? Are you allowing your body three-months to prepare? Are you fully aware and knowledgeable of what you have been diagnosed with? Do you know in detail what is going on with your body that is making you miscarry or not have babies at all? Are you aware of what your health needs to be before trying to conceive? Are you taking the time to see about your health personally before asking God to place another life in your hands? I went to doctor after doctor, and finally got diagnosed with PCOS, and Infertility. I researched PCOS, and infertility for a few days. I bought these books about infertility, and IVF.
I even started reading a few, but didn’t finish them completely before my IVF CYCLE started. When my IVF cycle failed I wondered why? It hurt because I knew God had the power He could give me a baby. My sister,best friend, and sound board Sarah said just because it didn’t work out this time doesn’t mean it won’t work out the next time. This cycle simply taught us and the next cycle could teach us again, but we are gaining knowledge, and this time we need to get ready before we try again. She said we have to prepare for what you are asking God for then He can bless you. It was in that moment where I couldn’t do anything but take a moment to look at my life, and see if I had truly prepared, and when I was honest with myself I wasn’t ready like I needed to be. I needed to lose the weight that the doctor said I needed to lose to get this PCOS under control. I needed to prepare our finances to budget accordingly for a baby. I had to get our tithes in order and really get connected with my spiritual life, and I have to really prepare myself, and my husband completely before going at this again. It’s important to be on one accord with God because then He can get on one accord with you.
Like I tell the children I care for you have to turn your listening ears on. So that is what I’m doing I am turning my listening ears on. I am sitting down. I am talking to my doctors about all my options. I am researching, and preparing my life for the changes that I am asking from God. We so often will ask God for things that we haven’t prepared for, we ask Him for things we haven’t truly studied on yet. The Bible says in Proverbs 3:13-14 Blessed is the one who FINDS wisdom, and the one who GETS understanding, for the gain from her is better than gain from silver and her profit better than gold. This is the season for you to obtain knowledge and wisdom based on whatever the doctors say, and any test you haven’t passed, and when you gain that knowledge then you can be blessed. If you want to win then win with knowledge and wisdom, and you will obtain all these things you are asking of. In all thy getting that means babies, jobs, houses, friends, families, benefits, and etc. GET AN UNDERSTANDING.