Today is the start of something that could or could not change my life. Today I could choose to drown in my sorrow. I could choose to walk in this doctor’s office with doubt, and fear, but instead I will walk into this office, and the doctor will say the cyst is small enough for me and my HUSBAND to make our babies. I keep my fingers crossed, and hope for the best. I have on my locket necklace that carries mustard seeds in it to remind me of the amount of faith I need. My hope is to remove the mustard seeds one day, and I will replace it with the first sonogram pictures of my beautiful babies. So here goes nothing. Back on the table again to find out what our future will be. I am so excited because I just believe that this is going to work for us.
I close my eyes, and all I can hear in my head is Yahweh by Mali Music. I close my phone to my last text message from my sister Tiera and she couldn’t be happier for us to begin this process. My little sister from another mister she so happy she already bought an outfit for Nehemiah, and everyone wants this so badly. I have so many people praying for us and having faith. I think to myself so many people are praying for us God is bound to listen to someone. The doctor scans the cyst, and it’s still there as always, and I am not even upset about that anymore.
I am simply taking a deep breath and waiting for the measurements. “Please be less than four centimeters please God get us there.” I play the prayer in my head repeatedly. The doctor measures the cyst, and with a concerned look but a grin on her face she says “its 3.4cm you can start IVF when you decide to but since it’s not getting any smaller, and we will need to think about surgery in the long run, but right now we won’t touch it.” She says my ovary is like a golden ticket. It’s good to be a golden ticket in any other circumstance, but with this I would wish for anything but the golden ticket ovary right now.
My doctor she is extremely excited to start and such a great doctor. I know I am in good hands. We decide to start November 18th this is going to be perfect. My bosses are going to be off for the next two and a half weeks all the dates match perfectly. This has got to be a good sign. I call up to figure out what our next step is. Just breathe, Cora you’re in God’s hands, He has a plan, and all in God’s timing. I hear all the cliché’s and believe me they are very nice, but sometimes I just want to scream. “Hey God I know you have a lot plans for me, but hey could you not push pregnant people in my face at every turn it’s a little tough to swallow.” I know I know my time is coming; it’s coming, but man breathing becomes harder with every baby story I see.
It becomes paralyzing with every pregnancy I hear. I’m stuck in a loop of a song that I can’t get out of my head granted the words are different, but it’s the same concept. It’s hard to breath through this it’s hard to place all your dreams in man’s hands and then trust God. Tell me how I’m supposed to breath with no air the words are different, but it still plays in my head. Tell me how I’m supposed to breath with no baby can’t live can’t breath with no baby. So please God let this work. It may seem corny I am taking this one step at a time. I am taking the fear of starting IVF one day at a time. I want this to work so badly, and I am scared that it won’t. I have no control over this.
Time is being taken from me. Pregnant women are growing like leaves around me. I want to cry every time I hear that someone is pregnant. I really want to get through this, but if it doesn’t work out I am not sure. I don’t want you to think I am speaking in the now these were my feeling then, and these could be some of your feelings now. I am challenging you to make 2012 your year. Don’t spend it drowning in the things around you. Don’t spend it wallowing in the pregnant celebrity stories that you hear almost every day. I want you to learn how to swim fight to swim. I want you to swim beyond the struggles beyond the pain. Live there is no reason to listen to the people around you that are swimming focus on your own lesson in life. This is my year to fight and win. This is my year to swim. We need to leap in this year we need to believe in our abilities again.
Ladies consider what we were built on. Consider what many blessing have come through simply the open-minded possibilities. Consider what God has promised and told us to do from the beginning. I have always told you of the many other ways to become a mother. There are many way to win this fight of infertility. There are also many different ways to win. I am telling you to fight. I am telling you to stop letting the devil drown you and swim, and there are many other ways to swim. I have often talked about adoption, foster care, and a surrogate. You will be a mommy as soon as you open your mind to other types of swimming, fighting, and winning. When you think about the biblical background Jesus was adopted God gave him to Mary, and Moses was adopted he was given to Pharaoh’s wife.
Adoption broken down when you really think about it is to ad-options. Don’t limit yourself on how you learn how to swim sisters. Just swim don’t depend on other people to tell you what and how you should do it. This is your year of transitioning to gain everything God has for you, and that includes everything else other than babies. This is your year to stop drowning in sorrow, regrets, grief, and what ifs. This is your year to figure out what swimming looks like for you and take a leap. This is your year to add options. I haven’t had success yet, and I don’t know how my babies are coming, but I refuse to sit by, and let the enemy drown me anymore. I am swimming to my promise, my purpose, my plan, and most of all this is my year to swim to my babies. I am done drowning and I challenge you to be done to. Let’s swim, fight, and lets win together let’s make 2012 our year.