You’ve Been Cordially Invited!!

May14

I know it has been awhile since I posted, but I was trying to find a way to be encouraging in the midst of having won the battle and become a mom. I know that there are still some of you that are still fighting and have not won yet, but God has not forgotten about you. He will come through for you. My father preached yesterday on MY FIRST MOTHER’S DAY about God coming through for you. He said that God is going to give you the baby without the labor. Don’t be discouraged be encouraged and know that you may not have labored, but you will get your baby….Happy Belated Mother’s Day to all who got to celebrate their win, and Happy Belated Soon to be Mother’s Day for all of my fertility sisters fighting, but know they are going to win…This is for you!!

Motherhood is something that many of us especially my fertility sisters dream of. We pray, fast, take shots, take pills, prenatal vitamins, special lubricants and drops. We fight for the ability to be a mother. We get so consumed by the fight that we stress ourselves out and we lose the thrill of conceiving. Making a baby becomes a second job. We become God’s to our own fight and dreams, and we forget about the God in the battle we are fighting. We get tired and weary and helpless, and we quickly forget that God can and is still working on our behalf. We listen to our friends cry about pregnancy and then wonder really God her and not me. We go through the pain and hurt secretly within ourselves and we hold up everyone else.  So after we fight hard and cry and suffer we get an amazing call from a doctor or adoption agency that we won and everything that we ever dreamed of comes to pass, but then the question hits like a ton of bricks what now? You have fought you have gotten what you dreamed of but where do you go from here? Do you settle for what you have or do you grant yourself the invitation to reach for what is next and what is in your grasp?

My sister was telling me that a woman spoke to her and told her that dreams are just a manifestation of God showing us what is in our reach. So you become a mother you adopt, foster, or become a God mother and then you wonder what to do next. Amauri is my pride and joy and I am so happy to have her, but does that mean I stop here? No it does not!  What you need to know is that you are able to have what God chooses and still go after the desire you have in your heart. The day will come where my daughter will wonder why mommy is brown and where are baby pictures of her and why is it that the rest of my family is brown and she isn’t. She will read my blogs, and she will wonder if she was simply the second best option. I battle with this conversation in my head more than you know. Suddenly God told me “she was My first option” she was My will for your life. She still came just in a different way. She is not a coincidence to happen in your life. She came exactly when I wanted her too.

I shared with a friend of mine that about a year ago I had a dream of Amauri as a baby. She was gorgeous. I remember telling my sister Daria about her. I told her she didn’t look like she could have come from me, but she was mine. I remember telling her how gorgeous she was and I just wanted to take her out of the dream. In this dream I was walking around in the hospital. It was weird for me because if I had just birthed her why was I walking around like normal wearing jeans and a purple t-shirt. I then saw her first birthday and first steps. Looking at her now she is that same little girl in my dreams. God showed me all of her first moments so that I could have those experiences since she was not with me during her actual first. it was a beautiful gift.  It became so clear to me when I realized all this time I had been praying to be a mommy.  I never said that I wanted to birth all my children. I prayed to be pregnant and just because I have Amauri does not mean that I’m settling. Getting Amauri has simply invited me to reach for everything else that God has for me.

I wrote a song a while back that was in my heart yesterday. The lyrics were.  I don’t want bad news. Please I don’t want that call.  I can’t take the heart break the mistakes. I just can’t take it at all. So please don’t be the bad news. Please don’t break me again again. Please don’t be the bad news. Cause if you are then this could be my end.

When writing this song I was writing about my situation and receiving the call that I was not pregnant. I related it to being my end, and I didn’t realize God closing that door invited me to another even more amazing door. I am not Amauri’s biological mother no matter how badly I wish it was true I am not.  Even though she is not my biological child I opened my other door, and God invited me to her and she is one of the best things in my life. I was able to give my daughter the love and safety and life that she had dreamed of. I was able to fulfill her dream while fulfilling my dream as well. I did not settle. I just read God’s whole invitation. I did not forget that God told me that I would birth my own seed, but I am inviting myself to the fact that God has SO MUCH FOR ME, and He has placed so much love in me. So while holding the gift that He gave me (Amauri) that was birthed through someone else. I can be invited to be pregnant and birth the purpose and the seed within myself. I realize God gave me Amauri so that I could raise her up and not have to be so down about the “rejected” promise that I got from the failed IVF. I quickly realized my being content in the one gift that I have has allowed God to prepare me for the future gifts I will receive.

Rather you adopted, still fighting, or have fostered. I want you to know that you have been invited to reach out for the promises God has given you. Your baby that you have now is not your settling choice. It is simply God’s first choice and your destiny. God has not given up on you; He has not taken back what He said; He simply is waiting for you to read your entire invitation. The chorus to my song is God give help to the helpless. God give peace to the weary souls. Oh God give babies to the barren hearts. Help them to know they are not alone. Help them to know they are not alone.

It is important for you to know that you are not alone a delay to the first round does not mean you lost the battle. Choosing to adopt does not mean that you settled, and did not trust God. Fostering does not mean that you simply took what you could get. Do not give up! God is cordially inviting you to see all the sides of your promise. All of the options and directions He can take you. You can still birth. You can adopt. You can foster. All you need to do is reach. God is inviting you to not give up on what He said but to trust Him to follow through. One of the things I have learned as a new mom is that it is very important with my daughter for me to follow through. She can trust me more when I follow through. God is still in the business of miracles. He will follow through because I believe He will. He will continue to do it for me, and He has invited you too believe so make sure to RSVP…..

Believe in Destiny and God Will Do the Rest!!

XOXO Your Fertility Sister CoCoa

“Mama look at the BIG BALL”

Apr6

“Mama look at the big ball.” She says. I try to keep my composure because this is all new to me, and I have never been called this before. “Mama look at the big ball.” Her first words wow that feeling will stick with me forever. I love her more than my heart can hold I am sure, but I don’t care because I would give her my heart, and I have only known her for approximately twenty minutes. Our classes are done, and they were long, and detailed. They were filled with paperwork, and lessons to learn. They were hard to get through, and some people gave up, but it got me to “Mama look at the big ball.” Ladies and gentlemen after all the trials and tribulations Brandon and I took on fostering to adopt, and we have been blessed with an amazing little girl. She is 4 years old. The amazing thing is she didn’t come from me, but I see myself in her, and I love her no differently than I would have love a child I birthed myself.

Her birthday is a day after my Grandma rest her souls birthday. We wanted to name our first birthed daughter Amauri it means a gift from God. Her birth names also means a gift from God. We were fighting through life and we are still going to fight for being able to birth children. Our hearts are with this precious baby that was given to us without a fight without tears of sadness without detachment she fit right in to our family as if she had waited for us her whole life. I got to celebrate her birthday with her. I got to take her to her doctor’s appointment. She automatically began to call me mama. Now I can tell you guys for real it isn’t about birthing a child that makes you a mother. It’s the big ball. It’s the bath time it’s the story time it’s our special night-time song. It’s the spontaneous hugs when your child says I love you mommy. That is what makes you a parent.

I am a mother because she chose me. I am a mother because God chose me. It’s hard to sit in life with hard diagnoses of cancer, pcos, infertility or anything else, but you have to believe that God is still choosing you. God is still wanting you to be a parent to a child born or unborn. Your time is coming there were many night I cried for my failed IVF treatment, and lost children. There were times I though God had forgotten about me, and I would not make it past this. I felt like how could I love something that didn’t come from me. How can I be a mommy if I can’t say “I brought you into this world, and I will take you out” like all the other mothers could? Will my family love this child as they would a child I birthed.

Would my husband love this child as he would a child I birthed? I had all these questions, and then one day I let go, and let God. I said God let my husband love this child as he would a child I birthed. Let my family see this child as a child I birthed. Let this child see us as their parents, and nothing more or less. When I let go and let God I was able to see the big ball. The ball my daughter was talking about is a revolving ball in Downtown Dallas, and it’s beautiful. It turns around and around and around when you are sitting inside of it. When you are sitting inside of it your view and perception changes as you are sitting down watching.

God wants this from you to see things in a different perspective. The ball never changes on the inside or out it is just always turning as is life. The perception you see inside the ball is always changing because that is the world. I challenge you to see the big ball, and understand being a mommy will never change for you. It’s the perception within your dream that will always change when you give God the wheel. Don’t give God the plan you have stop look and listen, and watch Him change your perception. She is my Amauri she is my daughter. I didn’t birth her, but I would die for her like a birth mother. I would give her a kidney like a birth mother. I will hug her like a birth mother, and I will love her like a birth mother. I am still a mommy my perception through God’s eyes has simply changed. Stay tuned this is not the end of my journey it is only the beginning.

Rerouting!!

Mar27

Let me start off by saying I am completely encouraged and excited about all that is happening in my life. I am still fighting for what the world says is impossible and I believe God can do the impossible. I trust God’s word is true, and He will perform it. I am not discouraged in my infertility. I’m encouraged in it and whatever happens if I get pregnant naturally, through IVF, or adoption I am happy no matter what God decides. IAM NOT GIVING UP ON ANY OF MY CHILDREN THE ONES I BIRTH OR THE ONES I DON’T BIRTH THEY WILL ALL BE EQUALLY JUST AS SPECIAL TO ME. I come to you writing this blog so that it can help those who are feeling lost, discourage, and hurting behind infertility. I want to let them know they are not alone. I have been there, and am offering encouraging word to help them through it as God gives me my own story to share, and reflect on. SO LET ME BEGIN!!

She writes me back with a confidence that says Cora this will be perfect for you. She is excited, and has no apprehension towards us at all. She explains it to us in great detail. We will meet with the director she will give us paperwork to fill out. There will be background checks, classes, and certification, home studies, fire inspections, home inspections, and licensing and then we talk about “placement”. She types this e-mail with an ease that brings me undeniable peace about the process although it seems quite tedious. I understand that just as IVF has a process, artificial insemination has a process, and even getting pregnant in the ideal natural way has a process I prepare myself for this adoption process. It is complex and simple as my husband would say, but it doesn’t stop me from moving forward.

I immediately begin doing my research. Because even as a child I never walked into anything without full knowledge of what I needed to ask, and what is ahead. I never really liked roller coasters for that reason you don’t know what’s ahead, and it jerks you and puts you in positions that are beyond your control. So I start my researching I Google “things to ask foster care agencies.” I also Google the fostering to adopt, and the process that is behind it. I spoke to people who had fostered, and got a mentor who had fostered to adopt successfully before shout out to my girl!! There is no sense in going through a process without a mentor who has succeeded before.

My husband and I went to go see the Hunger Games this past weekend, and before preparing to fight for the death they had a mentor. The mentor had been through the game before, and won. He was there to help them know how to win. Whatever choices you choose have someone with you who has won before. I got myself prepared for this meeting. I typed my questions down in a Microsoft word document with lines so I could write down the answers effectively. I wanted to be more prepared than anyone she had ever seen before. I wanted to wow her with my organization skills, and the questions I had so she knew how ready we were.

Sheree tells me we will be meeting the program director the following Saturday, and I am nervous, but excited. “What should I wear?” “Does this look maternal enough?” “Don’t forget your questions?” This is simply another first day to the start of another chance at motherhood. Although I know God is still able to get me pregnant it doesn’t stop me from opening the door. Even before knowing about my infertility I wanted to adopt I wanted to be a mother to a child out there that I know needed a mommy like me. So I get dressed, and I grab my questions, and we go to meet the project manager, and I am shaking on the inside. I go into this thinking what if she thinks I am not ready or we are too young? What if she doesn’t like us? I go into this thinking the process is going to be extremely long, and I have a while before the parenting part is going to happen for us.

My husband grabs my hand and tells me she is going to love us, and you are going to be a wonderful mommy. Everything is going to be fine honey he says just breathe. I take a deep breath and walk into the restaurant. We order food and we have a casual conversation. Then the questions begin I ask my questions, and she asked us questions as well. The questions are pretty general why, what, when, and where types of things. We leave the restaurant with our questions answered, and a full understanding of what is ahead as well as a folder filled with documents to complete. I being the paper work junky that I am and also being very eager I start immediately. We get finished with as much paperwork as we possibly can. I e-mail her with any information I have or questions. The next thing she e-mails is when will be a good time to come, and do the first walk-through. Wow that was quick is my first thought. We had only just met Saturday, and the next Wednesday she was going to come and check out our home.

I immediately go out to the store and buy safety locks, outlet covers, toilet locks, and etc. My husband safety proofs the house, and she comes and she takes a quick look, and tells us we can start our classes that following week. I am excited, and wowed by God as soon as I opened my heart to other options things just started happening for us. Ladies there is absolutely nothing too hard for God. God can bring your baby through another door, and you not feel a difference what so ever. That would just be your baby. God can allow you to adopt that child, and get you pregnant. God can have you walk through one journey just so you can use it to help someone else.

It is very easy to give up on your dreams simply because they aren’t coming as quickly as you hoped or they aren’t happening the way you hoped. God hasn’t forgotten His promise to you, and He will perform it in whatever way He chooses. We decided to foster to adopt and us going the fostering to adopt way is not us giving up on me birthing our own child, because I AM NOT GIVING UP ON BIRTHING A CHILD. We chose fostering to adopt to say to God not my will but Yours be done. I don’t want to miss out on the blessings God has for me because I refused to see other options or because I refused to open my heart to another idea.

If we continue to remain so close minded to everything but one thing in life then how can God give us blessings that we won’t have room enough to receive? As a young child I dreamed of my little boy sitting on the stairs waiting for me to get home, and his name was Nehemiah I opened the door, and he ran to me and said mommy mommy, and I said MiMi pronounced MyMy is what I called him. That dream didn’t come to me with me at a hospital sitting in stirrups pushing. It came to me as MY child waiting for his mommy to get home. Maybe you are a mommy already, and maybe you aren’t whatever the case may be I want you to know the promise is waiting on you all you have to do is open the door to all the possibilities ahead. Don’t give up on birthing your child, but don’t keep God in one box either. The time for you to believe in ALL of God’s abilities is now the question is are you ready to believe that God may not have said no He just said yes to another way. Could God be rerouting you, and you still reach your destination?

Where is the How?

Mar20

I have good days and bad days. Some days I wish I could stay in the bed forever, but I know I must keep moving. I could let this get me down, but I just can’t. The day that I found out that our embryos didn’t attach I was extremely devastated, and I wasn’t sure that I would make it through. There were some days that were harder than others, and there were days that I laughed, and found joy. I was angry that it didn’t work out. I expressed my feelings to God I told Him that I was angry at Him that he took my babies after I begged Him not to. The thing that you all must realize is God knows when you are mad at Him. You can’t hide it. I have always had a relationship with God where I could tell Him whatever I was feeling. One day I just screamed on the inside of my soul and lashed out to God and I let Him know how I didn’t think it was fair I had to go through this. Why did I have to be chosen to be infertile? I went through a lot of why questions to God, and I am sure that you do the same. I was shut up when God replied I don’t have to give you the why if you would focus on the how to the why. I wasn’t sure what that meant. I didn’t know what to do with it.

I am able now to tell you what it meant. How can I use this? How can I make it? How can I get stronger? How can I be better? That is my challenge for you guys today find the how in your why. You must learn to break through. Have that moment of rage, and lash out, and release, and when you are finished find your how. After the call of the negative test result the nurses called me back immediately trying to reschedule the next cycle. I will have you know my doctor was very hands on during the process, but I haven’t heard from her not once since my negative test results. I expected a call to see how I was, and an I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I expected her to tell me a few answers to my why. I am not longer waiting anymore I have moved on to my how. My husband and I we sat down, and we prayed together. He held me on the nights that I cried, and suddenly I began to remember a great friend of mine her name is Shammah. At her birthday party we met a wonderful woman named Sheree and she was a case worker for a fostering and fostering to adopt agency.

I was suddenly reminded of what I had told you guys. Birthing a child and pregnancy doesn’t make you a mother it is the care, safety, and love that you give a child that makes you a mother. It’s the battles, and struggles you go through with that child. With that reminder I sat down at my computer, and typed up a letter to Mrs. Sheree and asked her about the process of fostering to adopt. I found my how. I was going to become a mother, and my husband was behind me, and she e-mailed me back. I found my how through helping you in this site. I found my how in every blog post, and every class that I go through. I challenge you ladies find the how, and stop worrying about you’re why. I love PJ Morton Jr. music one of my favorite songs by him say’s these lyrics in the course.

There’ll be good days, and bad days sometimes,

But don’t let the bad days change your mind.

Dig down dip in your heart and you’ll see That the bad days’ don’t change who we be.

You will be a mother don’t change your mind because the storm came simply stand on the HOW. HOW WILL YOU MAKE IT? HOW WILL YOU GET BETTER? HOW WILL YOUR DREAMS STILL BE EVEN THOUGH THIS STORM HAS COME. BE ENCOURAGED MY FERTILITY SISTERS THIS IS OUR YEAR COME WHAT MAY!!

What Are You Gonna Do?

Mar5

I woke up early that morning, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and placed on loose fitting clothes. Today is what I have been telling you all about the big day. I walk down the stairs with extreme excitement singing a song “I’m going to get pregnant. I’m going to get pregnant. I’m going to get pregnant. I’m going to have a baby.” I was dancing and singing because today my two embryos would be transferred, and it would mark the beginning of my life. I climb in the car, and we drive to the fertility clinic. It was my sissy Sarah, husband, and cousin Tiffani in one car. My mother and father in the other, and they all planned to be there with me during this big day. We drove to the clinic to “Yahweh” By Mali Music while I drank two large bottles of water to make sure that my bladder was full for the procedure.

We checked in and waited in the waiting room, and my husband Brandon prayed over me, and they called me to the back. My parents had not arrived yet, but they were coming. The woman showed me on the print out paper what embryo’s had been selected, and then it was time to go into the room. The nurse escorted me to the room, and I placed the gown on, and my cousin, Brandon, sister, and I waited till we heard my parents come in. When my father and mother arrived I asked for my father to pray again and he did. The doctor came in, and in that moment we were only allowed to have two people in the room. So I picked my mother and of course my husband Brandon. There was an accompanying nurse with the doctor that was to do the sonogram while she was inserting the embryo’s.

“Ouch” I continued to try to breathe but there was so much pressure from the sonogram speculum, and then the doctor inserted the catheter to place the embryos. It was so much pressure I felt that my bladder would burst. The doctor told me to look at the screen, and I saw them there they were two beautiful embryo’s in that moment I didn’t care about the pain or the pressure. I could see my babies. My mother was crying, and I was so overwhelmed that all I could do was smile. It was a beautiful moment, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. They were like small lights up on the screen, and then all I had to do was sit there for 20 minutes elevated, and I would be fine to go home, and rest.

I sat there refusing the bed pan that was offered to me for 20 minutes. I walked to the car clinging together so as to hope my babies didn’t fall out. It was frightening. I went home and elevated my legs and ate pineapples, and prayed for success. I didn’t want to move, cough, much less blink for three days because I was scared something could happen, and I would lose them. I had three embryos left that I was hoping were going to be freezable, and two days later the nurse called to tell me they didn’t make it to the freezing process. I was devastated because I knew if this didn’t work it meant that we would have to start over from square one, and that was going to be exhausting.

I wanted to continue having hope until on the 9th day the day before my pregnancy test I began to spot, and a feeling of dread came over me. I knew something was wrong. I knew God had decided to delay us, and I just cried begging God. “Please don’t take my babies God please.” I held my legs up, and ate pineapple after pineapple, but deep in my soul I knew no matter how high my legs were lifted or how many pineapples I ate it was over my embryo’s didn’t make it. It hurt more than I can even express. I didn’t know how to shake it. I didn’t know how I was going to breathe pass this moment of dread.

I look back on that moment, and it still is hard, but I take so much from the experience that I can share with you guys today. The pressure from the speculum, the pain of the procedure, the outcome and all the above was difficult, but that is what brought me to fertilityfaith.com. I had to go through the pressure, the pain, the process to get to the outcome of helping you women, men, daughter, sisters, and others who are reading this today. This process of In-vitro fertilization was hard and it took a lot out of me, but God wants more out of us. God wanted me to walk through this process to see if I would be willing to speak about my testimony even though I didn’t win.

I challenge you today to trust God in the midst of the no that you got. I challenge you to believe God even when He says not now. I challenge you to believe that a delay is not a deny, and that God can and will period. When that nurse was pressing down on my stomach that day it hurt. I honestly didn’t think I would make it, but I did, and there was a beautiful moment that came from it. I say that to say to you  just because it wasn’t the rainbow I envisioned doesn’t mean there was not a rainbow shown. God may be showing you a different rainbow then what you thought, and you need to trust that it’s better then what you saw, and see it don’t hide from what God is trying to do because He didn’t do what you wanted Him to do.

The enemy will come in like a flood, and God will lift a standard against it. (Isaiah 59:19) It is time for you to understand that the standard that He lifts might not be the one that you asked for. Can you encourage people that God can; even when He hasn’t for you yet. Can you smile at that person who is holding your dream, and praise God for her/him when she/he is standing in your shoes. Are you so set on what you want from God that you refuse to see what He can do for you beyond what you want? If God said He can do exceedingly abundantly above anything you can ask or think. Why must you continue to place Him in the box you thought of? It’s time to praise God when everyone around you is standing in their yes while you are yet and still trying to figure out your no. Sometimes opening up to the testimony you have that you didn’t win is what will get you to the winning finish line. Can you run for God when it seems like He isn’t running for you.  My sister sarahdhenson.com spoke at an event called Dare to Dream, and she brought up a scripture that is so great for my post today. The scripture was Hebrews 4:11 and it says so let’s keep at it and eventually arrive at the place of rest, not drop out through some sort of disobedience. That is what God is wanting from us to keep at it to be diligent, and not to drop out keep running and God will keep running for you. It didn’t work out the way you wanted, but as I always say What Are You Gonna Do?

Irreversible

Feb23

Let me start by saying I am sorry I haven’t written since the day we found out that an American icon Whitney Houston had passed away. I was so shocked, and am still shocked by this tragic news. My heart goes out to her family, and her friends. I can’t believe it at 48 she has left the world, but I do believe with all my heart that we will see her again in heaven someday. I have been trying to wrap my head around it so I was trying to give everyone a chance to grieve, and mourn this loss. I never met her but she worked with my family, and I feel as if I knew her watching her life, and my father’s movie having been the last movie she filmed in I was so excited to be meeting her soon. I pray that everyone is coping with this as best they can. I pray that God will be a constant source of peace to her family and friends. Whitney Houston rest in peace and continue to look to God.

 

I have to be put to sleep, and I can’t drive home. There will be soreness, and I can take Tylenol, and only Tylenol for the pain. I read all the papers like I was told, and I get myself prepared. I have approximately 11 follicles, and it’s possible that there are eggs in every single one. It’s exciting and nerve racking I can’t eat or drink after midnight, and the procedure isn’t very long. So I am now ready and I try to concentrate on my paperwork and read everything carefully there so many medications and changes that I know come after the egg retrieval. I am ready for this moment. I wanted to know how many eggs were retrieved, and how many are healthy, and valuable. My husband gives his part to this process, and then I am rolled into the operating room. I am wrapped up in warm blankets. A different OBGYN comes in to rinse my uterus because my OBGYN isn’t able to do it at the time one word “OUCH.” Sisters please be sure to try to get your doctor to be the one that does the rinsing procedure. I say this because she knows how your uterus works and it won’t be so uncomfortable. I fall asleep shortly after and then it’s over.

I wake up and I don’t feel any pain at all, but every woman is different and I am told you can have cramping associated with this procedure, and spotting also. I didn’t have any of that. I get dressed and I walk casually to the car because now there is nothing else I can do. My eggs are in the hands of the doctor, and they will mix them today, and that’s that. They will call me in two days to update me, and let me know how many we have and how many fertilized. I am anxious to know, but I remain at peace until I get the call. I relax at home and I start the vaginal inserts like the nurse told me too. I start eating pineapples because I am told they help to thicken the lining of your uterus and that is good for the embryos. I am taking pre-natal vitamins, and I am also drinking lots of water and eating fruits, and veggies.

Two days later the phone rings, and the nurse tells me 8eggs out of 11 follicles were found. 3 were not valuable, and so that left only 5 that were fertilized, and those were being observed and looked at and we are hoping for those to grow and grow. The doctor then says you can start the inserts tomorrow, and we will see you Sunday. I am breathless, WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOMORROW the nurse told me to start them today. The doctor says “oh no Cora I am so sorry she was supposed to say tomorrow with that being said you have progressed a day early, and in less we get blastocyst that could be a problem so continue what you are doing, and we will reconvene on Saturday, and hope for the best otherwise we will have to freeze everything and start over in two-three weeks.” Oh my gosh I want to rewind the clock I want to be forgetful in that moment I want to strangle the nurse I want to go back, but I can’t. I just have to pray that I have at least two embryos that are growing as quickly as I am.

I realize going through this major hiccup how easy it is for us to want to turn back the hands of time, and do things differently. I wanted to go back, I wanted to hear better, I wanted to ask her to repeat everything. I wanted to change things, and then it suddenly hit me I didn’t want to be here in the first place, but I am now, and wanting to change the impossible is not my power anymore. I am still stacked with odds, and I have to trust God had that nurse hiccup for a reason. I have to trust God had me go ahead through this medication for a reason. I can’t continue to sit in the now wondering how to go back. Because in life we can’t pick what God pushes us forward in. We must just trust that we are walking with him. It’s so easy to want to go back to change things, and forget what milestones you have passed getting here.

Sometimes trusting God can be the scariest thing you do, but once you get to your final destination it all begins to make sense. That Saturday the doctor called and told me that there were exactly two embryos that were progressing early and I could do the transfer on Sunday. I was so relieved and excited, and I was ready to go in Sunday.  I want to let you know that we can’t run backwards and fix anything; we can’t change the mistakes we made. We can’t change the past all we can do is learn from our mistakes and walk forward we must grasp on to the things ahead and accept the things behind, and use those moments as a pusher. Looking back is not going to help you to see the blessings forward. I want you guys to understand the most important part of this journey is that you take it with stride and most importantly if you can’t take it with stride just TAKE IT. Don’t think of the things you could have done differently the last time, and focus on yourself and looking forward. It’s easy to let negativity weigh down on you. It’s even easier to spend so much time wondering how you could have prevented the storm instead of facing the way to get to the rainbow.

LET THIS BE YOUR SEASON TO WALK FORWARD FORGETTING THE THINGS WHICH ARE BEHIND AND WALKING FORWARD TO YOUR PROMISE. STOP CONSUMING YOURSELF WITH WHAT YOU COULDA SHOULDA WOULDA!!

Do You KNOW?

Feb11

All I can do now is hope. I have to hope and pray that we have follicles and that those follicles will have my babies in them, and that my cyst isn’t reacting to the medication. I get on the table, my husband standing beside me, and the nurse looks, and to my amazing surprise she counts eight follicles, and I am so happy, and excited. The nurse says and I quote “Your follicles are great, and your uterus is beautiful” and that is like music to my ears. You know in my mind I was so sure okay everything is going swimmingly and my body is reacting perfectly so this has to be my moment of success. I can’t lose because it is going so well. The doctor will call me later with my results and that will confirm for me what my next step is with the medication, and this will be the mixed combination shot that I have been extremely nervous about. I have to watch her closely and I want to record it, and take notes, and I don’t want to get this wrong. I also hear that this shot burns and I am scared of that too. The nurse gives me the go ahead. So as I tell you often I take a breath and I poke myself, and yes this cocktail is definitely no day on the beach. It burns and I rub my stomach in a an effort to relieve the pain, and it slowly goes away. Wow what a woman does to get babies, and get anything in general. This is tough, but I carry on, and take a break until tomorrow.

This is a whole new level of no pain no gain. I think of Nehemiah and it gets me through. This is perfect. I was at a peace, and I was happy throughout the process. I took the shots as directed, and everything feels okay. I am still nervous, but I am pushing through this. Because at the end of the day God has the final say as to rather this works or not. All I have at this point is what I am standing on right now, but if this doesn’t work that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe God. It also doesn’t mean that I feel empty or like I have no other way. I have walked in such a way that says God let your will be done, and I walk that with no strings attached. I think often we say God let your will be done, but we have strings to that. “God let your will be done as long as it means this IVF work, or this pill works, or that I get pregnant naturally.” We can’t position ourselves for greatness placing strings on God. We can remain hopeful and still be open to whatever God says. Ladies you have to remain hopeful in everything that you do. You have to have the faith that God will, and can do what is seemingly impossible in His own way. You stand on faith, and you hope that faith will keep standing, and that you won’t fall.

You stand on faith and you hold onto God’s will while standing. The reality of life is sometimes you will fall, and sometimes you won’t get what you expect. Sometimes God will say hey I didn’t call for this IVF cycle to work. I didn’t call for this baby to be born, and I know that leaves you with a feeling of why. I wonder the same thing quite often, but I keep standing. You have to understand that in life there are always obstacles, and how you climb over those obstacles is what makes whatever you gain after worth it.  You can’t be in one box with God because He is bigger than the box you built for yourself.  If you stay closed-minded to God how can you expect Him to remain open-minded to your wants and desires. Sometimes it’s important to sit and wait instead of continuing to run into a brick wall in the hopes that it will fall down. Sometimes God hasn’t called you to run into the wall sometimes He may call you to climb it, build a door, and sometimes He may call you to walk away. Sometimes you fail test just so you can study better to try again. Sometimes it is simply just knowledge that you must gain to be successful. It is the experience that you have that puts you in that perfect position, and God is the same way.

You have to study yourself, and study God, and develop a relationship with Him where you can say REALLY GOD WHY DIDN’T THAT WORK, and you must have such a relationship with God where you don’t mind sitting down and waiting for the answer on the basis that you know He will answer. Sometimes the best thing you can do in this fight is to be still and know that He is God. The basic point of that is to KNOW it won’t work to be still if you don’t KNOW and it’s important for you to gain knowledge of just what and who God is Sometimes it’s important to aces where your life is, and see if it fits with what you are asking for. Are you taking the time to talk to your doctors in detail? Are you getting second opinions? Are you allowing your body three-months to prepare? Are you fully aware and knowledgeable of what you have been diagnosed with? Do you know in detail what is going on with your body that is making you miscarry or not have babies at all? Are you aware of what your health needs to be before trying to conceive? Are you taking the time to see about your health personally before asking God to place another life in your hands? I went to doctor after doctor, and finally got diagnosed with PCOS, and Infertility. I researched PCOS, and infertility for a few days. I bought these books about infertility, and IVF.

I even started reading a few, but didn’t finish them completely before my IVF CYCLE started. When my IVF cycle failed I wondered why? It hurt because I knew God had the power He could give me a baby. My sister,best friend, and sound board Sarah said just because it didn’t work out this time doesn’t mean it won’t work out the next time. This cycle simply taught us and the next cycle could teach us again, but we are gaining knowledge, and this time we need to get ready before we try again. She said we have to prepare for what you are asking God for then He can bless you. It was in that moment where I couldn’t do anything but take a moment to look at my life, and see if I had truly prepared, and when I was honest with myself I wasn’t ready like I needed to be. I needed to lose the weight that the doctor said I needed to lose to get this PCOS under control. I needed  to prepare our finances to budget accordingly for a baby. I had to get our tithes in order and really get connected with my spiritual life, and I have to really prepare myself, and my husband completely before going at this again. It’s important to be on one accord with God because then He can get on one accord with you.

Like I tell the children I care for you have to turn your listening ears on. So that is what I’m doing I am turning my listening ears on. I am sitting down. I am talking to my doctors about all my options. I am researching, and preparing my life for the changes that I am asking from God. We so often will ask God for things that we haven’t prepared for, we ask Him for things we haven’t truly studied on yet. The Bible says in Proverbs 3:13-14 Blessed is the one who FINDS wisdom, and the one who GETS understanding, for the gain from her is better than gain from silver and her profit better than gold. This is the season for you to obtain knowledge and wisdom based on whatever the doctors say, and any test you haven’t passed, and when you gain that knowledge then you can be blessed. If you want to win then win with knowledge and wisdom, and you will obtain all these things you are asking of. In all thy getting that means babies, jobs, houses, friends, families, benefits, and etc. GET AN UNDERSTANDING.

 

Carry On!!

Feb7

Well here goes nothing. I am so excited to get started. I mean admittedly I am not excited about the needles, and medication. I am very excited about the outcome of this long process. I understand that the chances are not guaranteed, but I must have faith, because if I don’t throw my life into it then I may not get the results I want. So first things first Cora pick up the phone, and call the doctor then tell her you are ready to begin. So I take my pointer finger I breathe, and make the call. I am ready to begin. The words come out easy like I am simply beginning the race not knowing what the outcome will be at the end. The office will schedule my consultation appointment, but not before signing my life away in a pile of documents so thick that it alone was more intimidating than I am sure it needed to be, but I carry on.  After I sign the papers I meet with the doctor. Then I will do a sonogram, and she will confirm my start date. The appointment is now scheduled, and it’s time for me to prepare myself for the doctor’s office.

After a week the day to have my first consult has come. Today I am finding out if I can truly begin with no hesitancy from my doctor. My doctor tells me I can start and though I am nervous about the medicine I couldn’t be happier. I am very diligent in getting all the instructions about the medication from the nurse, and hearing from them when I can and cannot have sex with my husband. Seriously talk about your invasions of privacy, but I carry on. I get the instructions, and talk to the pharmacy, and now I just wait. I wait for the forms to go through, and the simple call from my mother to tell me my medicine has arrived. The order for my prescription box is filled. My mother calls, and I drive to her house and my mouth drops. Seriously you can’t be serious about the size of this box. There is no way that I need all of this to have a baby. I am overwhelmed immediately. I am twenty-four and instantly I want to pass out, because I understand that one wrong step with this medication could cost me my babies.

A needle placed wrong, or a mix gone wrong and I could ruin this for us. So I breathe as best I can and even though this whole time I felt like the doctors controlled everything. It suddenly hits me that I really do hold more control then I think. So I open the box, and it’s stacked high no exaggeration. I place what I need to in the fridge, and keep out what I don’t need.  Tonight I start the first step of what could possibly be the rest of my life. The doctor tells me I have to do this injection in my stomach at the same time daily. I am not nervous about anything other than getting it perfect.

Step by step okay Cora just breathe take the needle, and medication out then simply wipe your stomach with alcohol. Then take the syringe and put it at .10units and then push the air in the bottle. Pull the medicine out into the syringe. Tap out the bubbles and here goes nothing. Now I have to stick myself at a 90o degree angle and everything will be just fine. Like I said needles don’t scare me so I stick myself with the ½ inch needle and push the medicine in and wallah it’s completed. The first day turns into the second day, and the third day comes with another sonogram to see what my one ovary is doing. So I pray and hold my necklace every day and I stand on hope that my mustard seeds will soon turn into a picture of my beautiful babies.

Fertility sister’s in-vitro fertilization is an emotionally tolling thing that no one prays for. Most women going through this feels like this is an invasion of privacy, and it hurts to know you must depend on some “stranger” to help you have your biggest dream, and even then it may not come true. You must not go through this journey by yourself, but you must also be as communicative as possible with your partner. You can’t expect him to understand your feelings if you don’t speak openly with him, and wives let your partner share his feelings also. It’s important that you both check in with each other during this time. You can get through it together if you hold on to each other.

The common thing in my story is that I carried on, but I stopped as soon as that box showed up. I stopped carrying on and I panicked.  I understand now that my struggle and devastation didn’t come because I needed more faith or because I didn’t believe. My devastation came because I got consumed with paper work, and medication and reading all about the process that I couldn’t do what I needed to do and that was to carry my cares onto God. I had to look back and see that I was so involved in the process that I put my faith in the process instead of putting my faith in God. The Bible says in Matthew 11: 28 to 29 (NIV) Come unto me all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

It’s important for us to cast our cares upon God because He cares for us. If you carry your cares instead of giving them to God than He can’t bless you. What happens when you put too much weight on your back after a while you get tired, and heavy laid, and you fall down.  God can’t add relief to the weight that you are carrying around until you are willing to let it go, and give it to Him. Sometimes we have to step back and watch how we sabotage our blessing simply by not taking our burdens to God. Simply by letting our worries outweigh our faith. Don’t become so overwhelmed with the process that you forget the purpose.

It’s time to stop carrying our pain on our own, and carry them to God. You can’t win fighting with weight on your back, and you can’t get what God has for you being consumed by what you didn’t get and what you could have had. This isn’t a year about them it’s a year about you. Stop sabotaging your blessing and carry your burdens to God. You need to begin to accept what God has already told you. That means carry your anger for not getting pregnant to Him. Carry your pain from other people getting pregnant around you to God. Carry your jealousy to Him. Come as you are to God. Do you think He doesn’t know you are mad, hurting, and jealous? Make steps to God and He can make steps to you. I carry on!!

Swim,Fight, and Win!!

Jan31

Today is the start of something that could or could not change my life. Today I could choose to drown in my sorrow. I could choose to walk in this doctor’s office with doubt, and fear, but instead I will walk into this office, and the doctor will say the cyst is small enough for me and my HUSBAND to make our babies. I keep my fingers crossed, and hope for the best. I have on my locket necklace that carries mustard seeds in it to remind me of the amount of faith I need. My hope is to remove the mustard seeds one day, and I will replace it with the first sonogram pictures of my beautiful babies. So here goes nothing. Back on the table again to find out what our future will be. I am so excited because I just believe that this is going to work for us.

I close my eyes, and all I can hear in my head is Yahweh by Mali Music. I close my phone to my last text message from my sister Tiera and she couldn’t be happier for us to begin this process. My little sister from another mister she so happy she already bought an outfit for Nehemiah, and everyone wants this so badly. I have so many people praying for us and having faith. I think to myself so many people are praying for us God is bound to listen to someone. The doctor scans the cyst, and it’s still there as always, and I am not even upset about that anymore.

I am simply taking a deep breath and waiting for the measurements. “Please be less than four centimeters please God get us there.” I play the prayer in my head repeatedly. The doctor measures the cyst, and with a concerned look but a grin on her face she says “its 3.4cm you can start IVF when you decide to but since it’s not getting any smaller, and we will need to think about surgery in the long run, but right now we won’t touch it.” She says my ovary is like a golden ticket. It’s good to be a golden ticket in any other circumstance, but with this I would wish for anything but the golden ticket ovary right now.

My doctor she is extremely excited to start and such a great doctor. I know I am in good hands. We decide to start November 18th this is going to be perfect. My bosses are going to be off for the next two and a half weeks all the dates match perfectly. This has got to be a good sign. I call up to figure out what our next step is. Just breathe, Cora you’re in God’s hands, He has a plan, and all in God’s timing. I hear all the cliché’s and believe me they are very nice, but sometimes I just want to scream. “Hey God I know you have a lot plans for me, but hey could you not push pregnant people in my face at every turn it’s a little tough to swallow.” I know I know my time is coming; it’s coming, but man breathing becomes harder with every baby story I see.

It becomes paralyzing with every pregnancy I hear. I’m stuck in a loop of a song that I can’t get out of my head granted the words are different, but it’s the same concept. It’s hard to breath through this it’s hard to place all your dreams in man’s hands and then trust God. Tell me how I’m supposed to breath with no air the words are different, but it still plays in my head. Tell me how I’m supposed to breath with no baby can’t live can’t breath with no baby. So please God let this work. It may seem corny I am taking this one step at a time. I am taking the fear of starting IVF one day at a time. I want this to work so badly, and I am scared that it won’t. I have no control over this.

Time is being taken from me. Pregnant women are growing like leaves around me. I want to cry every time I hear that someone is pregnant. I really want to get through this, but if it doesn’t work out I am not sure.  I don’t want you to think I am speaking in the now these were my feeling then, and these could be some of your feelings now. I am challenging you to make 2012 your year. Don’t spend it drowning in the things around you. Don’t spend it wallowing in the pregnant celebrity stories that you hear almost every day.  I want you to learn how to swim fight to swim. I want you to swim beyond the struggles beyond the pain. Live there is no reason to listen to the people around you that are swimming focus on your own lesson in life. This is my year to fight and win. This is my year to swim. We need to leap in this year we need to believe in our abilities again.

Ladies consider what we were built on. Consider what many blessing have come through simply the open-minded possibilities. Consider what God has promised and told us to do from the beginning. I have always told you of the many other ways to become a mother. There are many way to win this fight of infertility. There are also many different ways to win. I am telling you to fight. I am telling you to stop letting the devil drown you and swim, and there are many other ways to swim. I have often talked about adoption, foster care, and a surrogate. You will be a mommy as soon as you open your mind to other types of swimming, fighting, and winning. When you think about the biblical background Jesus was adopted God gave him to Mary, and Moses was adopted he was given to Pharaoh’s wife.

Adoption broken down when you really think about it is to ad-options. Don’t limit yourself on how you learn how to swim sisters. Just swim don’t depend on other people to tell you what and how you should do it. This is your year of transitioning to gain everything God has for you, and that includes everything else other than babies. This is your year to stop drowning in sorrow, regrets, grief, and what ifs. This is your year to figure out what swimming looks like for you and take a leap. This is your year to add options. I haven’t had success yet, and I don’t know how my babies are coming, but I refuse to sit by, and let the enemy drown me anymore. I am swimming to my promise, my purpose, my plan, and most of all this is my year to swim to my babies. I am done drowning and I challenge you to be done to. Let’s swim, fight, and lets win together let’s make 2012 our year.

Accept God Will!!

Jan25

“Please let us be able to start IVF.” I walked back into the doctor’s office two months after being on consistent birth control. My head in a good place I was praying, and I walked in the office believing my body was surely healed. I walked in the office with confidence and peace. My fiancé holding my hand every step of the way so I did exactly what I tell you guys I breathed. I got on that table and you guys I was so sure it was gone I mean I had fasted, and prayed. It just had to be gone. The doctor explained to me that the cyst had to be gone in order to start IVF.  The doctor set up the sonogram and began to scan. She scanned over my ovary and just as normal as she could she said. “So there’s the cyst.” Gosh those words I almost started to cry again, but I waited to hear the rest of the conversation. I didn’t cry I didn’t let the devil know I was hurt or devastated I decided to wait. I decided to trust God to do exactly what He said.

I was trying to hold it together trust God, and I didn’t even realize she just said “cyst.” Excuse me maybe I didn’t type that down right. She said cyst not cysts she said cyst. It was one left you guys. I left that office two months ago with four small cysts and a big one in the middle. When I came back I only had one cyst left and it had gone down two centimeters. I was so focused on her saying cyst that I almost missed the blessing.  I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal to some people, but you don’t understand that birth control didn’t have to work at all. I walked in two months ago with a seven centimeter cyst and four small ones around it. My blessing had already been said, and I didn’t even realize it.

That was the wonderful news it was decreasing it was getting smaller, and the four around it were gone. I wanted to walk in there and be completely healed, and God was still walking along side me. He had another plan for me, and that is what we all need to understand. The way that we plan things in our head are not always the way that God plans things. So all I had to do at this point was to continue to come in and get checked every six weeks to see what my cyst was doing, and then the doctor gave me even more good news it just needed to be three centimeters for us to start IVF. I was able to walk out happy on God’s plan once I let go of mine.

My main focus was to get under God’s umbrella. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband, and I wanted us to start this journey of IVF as husband and wife. So we finished planning the wedding, and we said we would come back after marriage to check on everything. It was important to me for us to be in God’s will before trying to have children. So we did I got married just as I had dreamed of. I had the best day of my life with my best friend, and I couldn’t have been happier to be Mrs. Cora Brionne Coleman. My husband is the most supportive man that I know. He wants me to be happy he knows this is my biggest dream, and he won’t stop until we get there.

Fertility sisters sometimes we dream of feeling the baby kick inside, the morning sickness, the labor, the breast-feeding and we create in our mind that is what makes us a mother. That might not be the way God planned it. God may have planned for you to be a mother through surrogacy, adoption, foster care, being a God parent,  and instead of crying about what God  didn’t do be grateful for what He did do, and is doing. Who am I to say that God didn’t do what He promised simply because He didn’t do it the way that I thought he was going to do it. I can’t change God’s will I just must make a decision to walk in His will and not my own.

I must smile in the middle of adversity knowing that God will and that’s just that GOD WILL. You may have your dream in your head, and when it doesn’t go that way you may immediately feel like the devil is sabotaging you, and sometimes that is factual but sometimes it just wasn’t God’s will. I want to be pregnant naturally, and I want to feel the kicks and have the morning sickness. I want to have the fatigue and the maternity leave because my feet are too swollen to walk around. I want to wobble. I want that badly, and that might be God’s will, but the reality is that it may not be God’s will.

Pregnant women remember the kicking the throwing up, and the symptoms, and other people feeling your belly may remember the kicking, and the look of your stomach, but the child you know what he remembers he remembers the love that he felt from his mother and father. He remembers the person who made him chicken noodle soup. The baby remembers the person who tucked him/her in at night. Pregnancy doesn’t make you a mother chicken noodle soup, bedtime stories, and even time outs that’s what makes you a mother. I don’t know what God’s will is but I believe God for whatever His will is. He promised me my children, and however he gives them to me I trust him because I know for a fact that GOD WILL!!